There I was, one night, just a normal guy. And then, there I was the next night, I was banned from all future New Year's Eve parties.
A few years ago, I believe it was 2001, I was invited to a New Year's Eve party at Bill and Erin's house to usher in 2002. I had known Bill for 8 years at that point, ever since I moved to Columbus. He was the first friend I made after moving there from Dayton.
This party was the first New Year's Eve party at his and Erin's new house in Gahanna.
We drank a lot of beer that night and I really didn't know Erin. Most of that night was fuzzy nine years ago much less today and when I left the party at 2:00 or 3:00 am, but I recall it was a long New Year's Day recovery.
Later that summer I had lunch with Cheryl and Larry. Larry was Bill's roomate for several years before Bill and Erin moved in together and I had worked with Cheryl at two companies.
I asked Larry about Bill and Erin, Cheryl innocently asks, "Is Bill the one whose wife hates Bryon?"
"What?" I asked. That came out of nowhere.
I could read Larry's face. I don't think he meant for Cheryl to repeat the story. "Well, you apparently said something that really upset her at the New Years Eve party."
I was stumped and wondered for a few months what I could have said. I am prone to being obnoxious sometimes and I also have a tendancy to tease the shit out people having been the oldest of three siblings and one of the oldest cousins out of sixteen on my mom's side of the family.
That September was Larry's pig roast and I ran into Bill as soon as I came around the garage. Erin was not around, so I had an opportunity to find out what horrible thing I said to alienate her.
"Hey Bill, I know I had a lot to drink at your New Year's party, but what did I say that upset Erin?"
Bill started laughing and explained. "She announced she was going to bed as we were playing cards and your comment was 'Wow, Erin, you're no fun. I can't see why Bill is dating you.'"
I stood there for a moment puzzled.
"That's it?"
He laughed again. "That's it."
"That's .... nothing. I thought it was something bad. I tease people like that all the time when I am sober much less like I was that night."
"Yeah, but she hardly mentions it any more."
"Any more?!?!?! She still mentions it? That was ten months ago and it was harmless."
"I know," said Bill. "We told her, 'It's Bryon. It's no big deal. You just don't know him.'"
I remember retelling this story to some friends the next week and they just looked at me in disbelief. One person asked me if she was Amish.
My sister asked me, "What does she do for a living; teach oversensitivity training?"
Even my mom joked, "Was she an only child? Had she never been teased in her life? Were you the first one ever to tease her?"
I didn't know the answers to these questions. She barely spoke to me after that.
Bill and Erin were married the next month. I contemplated asking Bill's ex-girlfriend to go to the wedding with me. I figured if Erin was going to hate me, I should give her a real reason.
Instead, I let it go.... except for when I looked for a Hallmark card that said. "Lighten up Princess." Hallmark does not really have a card for every occasion.
Amazingly, I was not invited back to New Year's Eve that year.
I did get invited the following year and I asked Bill how that happened when he and I were alone, standing at the keg. He laughed and said it was because HE sent out the invitations and included me.
Ever since that second night, I think Erin's been making that list and checking it twice.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Bryon's 2010 Christmas Memories
10. Despite the weather we've had the past month, it was nice having a white Christmas.
9. My cousin Paul was unfortunate enough to draw the fruitcake from the gift exchange game. We draw numbers and can steal gifts from each other. This actual fruitcake and T-shirt have been passed around the last five years.
8. My cousin Kent went over to my Aunt Edith's and got this pink concrete poodle that once belonged to his mom, my Aunt Brenda, and dressed it up for Christmas night. It was the first time we'd seen the monstrosity in 15 years. There's a story behind it from several summers ago that involved whiskey, our quiet cousin Frank whom I've never met and the idea to go to K-Mart and buy florescent pink paint. Legend has it that it's on video tape and my Aunt Brenda walked in and started watching the tape with them. When she went to the front door upon realizing it was her concrete poodle that was being vandalized, she opened the door and saw it on the front porch where the pink monster was greeting her.
7. Before all that happened, my Aunt Brenda drew a pink poodle from the Christmas exchange which brought a round of laughter.
6. I accidentally stole my Aunt Debbie's thunder when I commented that cousin Samantha was pregnant Christmas night at my uncle's house. I happened to serendipitously check my Crackberry and see the post. Two minutes later we got a call from Roger and Debbie that they were coming over. Turns out it was to make the announcement.
5. My cousin Ashley is pregnant and due in May. She has two boys already (my cousin Vinny and my cousin Tony) and I asked her what she's going to do if she has twins. Our grandmother gave birth to two sets and it passes down through the females (her mom Jeanne) and skips a generation which means she is one of three that could have twins (Alise, Ashley, Stacy.) She looked at me with a scared look and said, "Oh my god, that's not funny." [Interesting side note, Tonya and Christy are daughters of a twin which means they also carry the gene, but not from our grandmother.]
4. Getting to see how scared my little cousins were on Santa's lap was amusing. Ryan at the age of two was the bravest of the bunch as he was fine with mommy or daddy there. Isabelle, Tony and Vincent were a mess. Isabelle literally shook in fear of the Fatman.
3. My mom telling my Aunt Brenda, that "I'd kill you dog to Brenda!" Brenda has this yorkie named Ally that she said my Uncle Billy would've killed a long time ago if she weren't around. Mom just felt the need to tease Brenda and was sounding like a character from "The Wizard of Oz."
2. The last two times I saw my two year old nephew, I worked the phrase "This guy" into his vocabulary. "Who has two thumbs and years a diaper?" "This guy!" (with him pointing both thumbs back at himself.)
Dylan, upon opening his gift, was asked by my sister, "Who's car? Who does that belong to?" He pointed at himself with both thumbs and yelled, "This guy!" It was the first time he had used the phrase since he saw me at Thanksgiving and it was exactly how Uncle Bryon taught him.
1. I was actually told I could not print this one. If you email me, I can tell it to you privately. It was wildly funny, completely inappropriate and extremely awkward.
9. My cousin Paul was unfortunate enough to draw the fruitcake from the gift exchange game. We draw numbers and can steal gifts from each other. This actual fruitcake and T-shirt have been passed around the last five years.
8. My cousin Kent went over to my Aunt Edith's and got this pink concrete poodle that once belonged to his mom, my Aunt Brenda, and dressed it up for Christmas night. It was the first time we'd seen the monstrosity in 15 years. There's a story behind it from several summers ago that involved whiskey, our quiet cousin Frank whom I've never met and the idea to go to K-Mart and buy florescent pink paint. Legend has it that it's on video tape and my Aunt Brenda walked in and started watching the tape with them. When she went to the front door upon realizing it was her concrete poodle that was being vandalized, she opened the door and saw it on the front porch where the pink monster was greeting her.
7. Before all that happened, my Aunt Brenda drew a pink poodle from the Christmas exchange which brought a round of laughter.
6. I accidentally stole my Aunt Debbie's thunder when I commented that cousin Samantha was pregnant Christmas night at my uncle's house. I happened to serendipitously check my Crackberry and see the post. Two minutes later we got a call from Roger and Debbie that they were coming over. Turns out it was to make the announcement.
5. My cousin Ashley is pregnant and due in May. She has two boys already (my cousin Vinny and my cousin Tony) and I asked her what she's going to do if she has twins. Our grandmother gave birth to two sets and it passes down through the females (her mom Jeanne) and skips a generation which means she is one of three that could have twins (Alise, Ashley, Stacy.) She looked at me with a scared look and said, "Oh my god, that's not funny." [Interesting side note, Tonya and Christy are daughters of a twin which means they also carry the gene, but not from our grandmother.]
4. Getting to see how scared my little cousins were on Santa's lap was amusing. Ryan at the age of two was the bravest of the bunch as he was fine with mommy or daddy there. Isabelle, Tony and Vincent were a mess. Isabelle literally shook in fear of the Fatman.
3. My mom telling my Aunt Brenda, that "I'd kill you dog to Brenda!" Brenda has this yorkie named Ally that she said my Uncle Billy would've killed a long time ago if she weren't around. Mom just felt the need to tease Brenda and was sounding like a character from "The Wizard of Oz."
2. The last two times I saw my two year old nephew, I worked the phrase "This guy" into his vocabulary. "Who has two thumbs and years a diaper?" "This guy!" (with him pointing both thumbs back at himself.)
Dylan, upon opening his gift, was asked by my sister, "Who's car? Who does that belong to?" He pointed at himself with both thumbs and yelled, "This guy!" It was the first time he had used the phrase since he saw me at Thanksgiving and it was exactly how Uncle Bryon taught him.
1. I was actually told I could not print this one. If you email me, I can tell it to you privately. It was wildly funny, completely inappropriate and extremely awkward.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Bring a Sports Coat...
On the Wednesday before Memorial Day in 1997, I got a call at 7:30 in the morning from my mom. She was calling to tell me her brother, my Uncle Earl, died that morning.
Most of my early memories with Earl surround the 1980 World Series when I stayed with him and my aunt while my mom and dad were in Vegas. I remember just a little before that, such as when he broke his arm on his motorcycle. And I swear I remember him putting me on the bleachers and telling me not to move at the age of 4 or 5 so he could go place a bet at a window for a horse race.
I was already planning on returning home for the weekend and I was scheduled off for Friday, but when I went into work, I told my client manager Nancy what had happened and I was going to leave a day earlier.
Later that morning, my phone at the client site rang and it was my sister.
"I looked all over and could not find your client site number, so I called your office and talked to the girl there, then mom found the number."
"Mom talked to [our Aunt] Debbie. They are making arrangements and she wanted to know if you would be a pall bearer."
"Yeah," I said. My brother Brandon and cousin Casey were also amongst the pall bearers.
"OK, mom says to make sure you have a sports coat."
"I don't have one, but dad might have one I can borrow." The entire world had gone business casual, so it was not surprising I didn't have a sports coat back then.
During the conversation, my voicemail light came on and I knew it was Jennifer from the office calling to tell me my sister had called. It was about a five minute conversation with Stacy before I hung up.
After the conversation, I listened to my voicemail.
"Hi Bryon, this is Jennifer from the office. Your sister called. She wants you to bring a sportscoat home this weekend because it's going to be really cold."
That was ... weird.
I listened to the message again. I was not hallucinating, that was what she said.
I sat there and thought about it for a few minutes.
***
I came home the next morning and my sister and mom were home.
After I sat down, I asked, "Stacy, what did you tell Jennifer when you called the office?"
"I told her 'Hi. My name is Stacy Jordan. I'm Bryon Jordan's sister. We don't know how to get ahold of him, so we were wondering if you could get a message to him. He's coming home this weekend and he needs to bring a sports coat because he's going to be a pall bearer at his uncle's funeral.'"
"OK," I said. "When I listened to my voicemail, she said to bring home a sports coat because it's going to be really cold."
Stacy and my mom had a funny look and laughed a little until they put it together.
Jen didn't know I already knew. For all she knew, she was breaking the news to me!
In a voicemail!
Instead of breaking the news to me in a message, she created a different reason I needed a sports coat that might make sense.
"Seriously", I said. "My initial reaction was it's the end of May and Louisville is hot and humid!"
As can happen during a time like this, this just struck us as extremely funny and my mom and sister could not stop laughing. We laughed ourselves to the point we had to wipe our eyes.
The phrase "Bring a sports coat, it's going to be really cold," would become a running joke amongst my mom, my sister and myself.
***
About a year and a half later, our pet cockatiel, Killer, died at the age of ten or eleven. She had passed several eggs and when part of her reproductive system ended up outside her body, my sister took her to the vet. Killer had surgery and seemed to respond well when Stacy took her up some crackers, but she didn't last the night.
Brandon called and told Stacy that Killer had died.
Saddened by the news, Stacy then called mom and said, "So I guess you heard about Killer?"
"No? How is she?"
Stacy could've strangled Brandon. He had not called mom to tell her.
"She died."
Mom was sad to hear about it and Stacy called my brother back.
"Why didn't you tell mom?"
"I was going to buy another cockatiel and slip it in the cage," he told her. "She'll never figure it out."
Like this was an episode of "Different Strokes!" I don't know what he was thinking, but he didn't have to buy a new cockatiel now because Stacy told mom what happened.
Stacy called me and relayed the whole story and what Brandon thought he was going to do to get it past our mom.
"Stacy, when mom asked how Killer was, you should've said, 'Mom, bring a sports coat. It's going to be really cold.'"
I heard a loud thump from my sister dropping the phone and gasping in the background as she could not breathe. About 15 seconds went by and all I could hear was an occasional gasp between the laughing fits.
"Oh my God! Oh my God!" she said getting back on the phone. "I have to go." She was hyperventilating and she had to hang up.
I eventually told mom the same response over the phone and after she got done laughing she said I was a sick, sick person.
Most of my early memories with Earl surround the 1980 World Series when I stayed with him and my aunt while my mom and dad were in Vegas. I remember just a little before that, such as when he broke his arm on his motorcycle. And I swear I remember him putting me on the bleachers and telling me not to move at the age of 4 or 5 so he could go place a bet at a window for a horse race.
I was already planning on returning home for the weekend and I was scheduled off for Friday, but when I went into work, I told my client manager Nancy what had happened and I was going to leave a day earlier.
Later that morning, my phone at the client site rang and it was my sister.
"I looked all over and could not find your client site number, so I called your office and talked to the girl there, then mom found the number."
"Mom talked to [our Aunt] Debbie. They are making arrangements and she wanted to know if you would be a pall bearer."
"Yeah," I said. My brother Brandon and cousin Casey were also amongst the pall bearers.
"OK, mom says to make sure you have a sports coat."
"I don't have one, but dad might have one I can borrow." The entire world had gone business casual, so it was not surprising I didn't have a sports coat back then.
During the conversation, my voicemail light came on and I knew it was Jennifer from the office calling to tell me my sister had called. It was about a five minute conversation with Stacy before I hung up.
After the conversation, I listened to my voicemail.
"Hi Bryon, this is Jennifer from the office. Your sister called. She wants you to bring a sportscoat home this weekend because it's going to be really cold."
That was ... weird.
I listened to the message again. I was not hallucinating, that was what she said.
I sat there and thought about it for a few minutes.
***
I came home the next morning and my sister and mom were home.
After I sat down, I asked, "Stacy, what did you tell Jennifer when you called the office?"
"I told her 'Hi. My name is Stacy Jordan. I'm Bryon Jordan's sister. We don't know how to get ahold of him, so we were wondering if you could get a message to him. He's coming home this weekend and he needs to bring a sports coat because he's going to be a pall bearer at his uncle's funeral.'"
"OK," I said. "When I listened to my voicemail, she said to bring home a sports coat because it's going to be really cold."
Stacy and my mom had a funny look and laughed a little until they put it together.
Jen didn't know I already knew. For all she knew, she was breaking the news to me!
In a voicemail!
Instead of breaking the news to me in a message, she created a different reason I needed a sports coat that might make sense.
"Seriously", I said. "My initial reaction was it's the end of May and Louisville is hot and humid!"
As can happen during a time like this, this just struck us as extremely funny and my mom and sister could not stop laughing. We laughed ourselves to the point we had to wipe our eyes.
The phrase "Bring a sports coat, it's going to be really cold," would become a running joke amongst my mom, my sister and myself.
***
About a year and a half later, our pet cockatiel, Killer, died at the age of ten or eleven. She had passed several eggs and when part of her reproductive system ended up outside her body, my sister took her to the vet. Killer had surgery and seemed to respond well when Stacy took her up some crackers, but she didn't last the night.
Brandon called and told Stacy that Killer had died.
Saddened by the news, Stacy then called mom and said, "So I guess you heard about Killer?"
"No? How is she?"
Stacy could've strangled Brandon. He had not called mom to tell her.
"She died."
Mom was sad to hear about it and Stacy called my brother back.
"Why didn't you tell mom?"
"I was going to buy another cockatiel and slip it in the cage," he told her. "She'll never figure it out."
Like this was an episode of "Different Strokes!" I don't know what he was thinking, but he didn't have to buy a new cockatiel now because Stacy told mom what happened.
Stacy called me and relayed the whole story and what Brandon thought he was going to do to get it past our mom.
"Stacy, when mom asked how Killer was, you should've said, 'Mom, bring a sports coat. It's going to be really cold.'"
I heard a loud thump from my sister dropping the phone and gasping in the background as she could not breathe. About 15 seconds went by and all I could hear was an occasional gasp between the laughing fits.
"Oh my God! Oh my God!" she said getting back on the phone. "I have to go." She was hyperventilating and she had to hang up.
I eventually told mom the same response over the phone and after she got done laughing she said I was a sick, sick person.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Cheeseburgers with Jackson Browne
I have a friend named Chris Wettle with whom I've probably seen about 60 concerts since high school. I got a call one afternoon in 1989 or 1990 from him while I was interning at NCR in Dayton.
"Hey Bryon. Want to go to a concert tonight?"
I thought for a moment and responded, "The Jimmy Buffett concert in Cincinnati?"
"No," he replied, "The Jackson Browne concert in Columbus."
Two hours later we were driving East on I-70 to Columbus in his piece of shit Mercury Bobcat, without a map to guide us, on our quest to find the Ohio Theater.
It took us a while, but we found it eventually. We had never been to Columbus before and I had never seen a theater like Ohio theater. It was beautiful. Years later, I would see Mary-Chapin Carpenter perform there and it has wonderful acoustics.
We walked into the auditorium and looked around to see if anyone was trying to sell tickets. After a few minutes of seeing the crowd and no one selling any, we walked up to this ticket window. I asked what tickets they had left and he showed me a map of the auditorium.
Chris tapped me on the shoulder.
"This guy has tickets."
I excused myself from the gentleman at the window and we stepped over to talk with the guy.
"You need tickets?" he asked.
"Yes, two," we answered.
"I have two. You want them?"
"Sure," one of us answered.
"How much?"
"No charge."
"Nah, let us pay you something for them."
"No. No charge. I was waiting for these girls I met in Cincinnati last night, but they are not here and I have to go in."
He then put them in our hands and we thanked him.
After he walked away, a gentleman walked up and asked, "Do you know who that was?"
We answered, "No."
"He's in the opening band."
His name was Jorge. He had played on Jackson's 1986 album "Lives in the Balance." I am not sure to this day if it was Jorge Calderon or Jorge Strunz as I read the liner notes of the album on Wikipedia today.
I walked to the bathroom while the lady seated Chris. When I came out Chris came walking back shaking his head. "Oh my God," was all he could say. She walked me down the aisle and we got closer and closer to the stage. We stopped at the ninth row and we were dead center.
The show was amazing. We watched the opening band Sangre Machehual and we were mesmerized by their guitar play. Jackson also came out and played "Lawless Avenues" with them.
After Jackson blew us away with his acoustic show, this was the "World in Motion" tour, the lights came up and we saw Jorge. We walked up to the stage and thanked him over and over again for the tickets and told him how awesome his band was.
Jorge offered us tickets and back stage passes for the show the next night in Indy, but we knew we could not make it. We decided to take the time after the show and wait by the tour bus with only about a dozen people. Jackson came out of the theater and seemed kind of blown away people were standing there hoping to greet him. We basically all shook his hand, told him we loved the show and then Chris and I were on the road back to Dayton.
The next day, I am walking across campus and I bump into Mike Ferrari. He stopped me and said, "I heard about last night; that was so cool!"
"Yeah it was," I replied.
"Can't believe you went to a bar and had beers with Jackson Browne!"
I was struck speechless. That didn't happen, but Mike had walked off before could say anything.
Later that day I ran into Ted, Mike's house mate.
"Dude, heard about last night. Holy shit that is unbelievable! I can't believe you had cheeseburgers with Jackson Browne!"
"What?"
"Jeff told me about you and Chris going out after the show because Jackson invited the two of you to have cheeseburgers with him."
I called Chris when I got home.
"So did you tell Jeff about our trip to the show?"
"Yeah."
"Did you tell him he had cheeseburgers with Jackson Browne?"
"What?"
"Ted walked up and was in disbelief and told me he could not believe we had cheeseburgers with Jackson Browne."
Chris just laughed. He called me later and told me Jeff wanted to make the story more exciting each time he told it, so he embellished it each time. We all had a laugh about it. It was actually quite funny.
Last I heard, Chris and I were supposed to join Jackson Browne on tour for the next leg, but that never materialized.
"Hey Bryon. Want to go to a concert tonight?"
I thought for a moment and responded, "The Jimmy Buffett concert in Cincinnati?"
"No," he replied, "The Jackson Browne concert in Columbus."
Two hours later we were driving East on I-70 to Columbus in his piece of shit Mercury Bobcat, without a map to guide us, on our quest to find the Ohio Theater.
It took us a while, but we found it eventually. We had never been to Columbus before and I had never seen a theater like Ohio theater. It was beautiful. Years later, I would see Mary-Chapin Carpenter perform there and it has wonderful acoustics.
We walked into the auditorium and looked around to see if anyone was trying to sell tickets. After a few minutes of seeing the crowd and no one selling any, we walked up to this ticket window. I asked what tickets they had left and he showed me a map of the auditorium.
Chris tapped me on the shoulder.
"This guy has tickets."
I excused myself from the gentleman at the window and we stepped over to talk with the guy.
"You need tickets?" he asked.
"Yes, two," we answered.
"I have two. You want them?"
"Sure," one of us answered.
"How much?"
"No charge."
"Nah, let us pay you something for them."
"No. No charge. I was waiting for these girls I met in Cincinnati last night, but they are not here and I have to go in."
He then put them in our hands and we thanked him.
After he walked away, a gentleman walked up and asked, "Do you know who that was?"
We answered, "No."
"He's in the opening band."
His name was Jorge. He had played on Jackson's 1986 album "Lives in the Balance." I am not sure to this day if it was Jorge Calderon or Jorge Strunz as I read the liner notes of the album on Wikipedia today.
I walked to the bathroom while the lady seated Chris. When I came out Chris came walking back shaking his head. "Oh my God," was all he could say. She walked me down the aisle and we got closer and closer to the stage. We stopped at the ninth row and we were dead center.
The show was amazing. We watched the opening band Sangre Machehual and we were mesmerized by their guitar play. Jackson also came out and played "Lawless Avenues" with them.
After Jackson blew us away with his acoustic show, this was the "World in Motion" tour, the lights came up and we saw Jorge. We walked up to the stage and thanked him over and over again for the tickets and told him how awesome his band was.
Jorge offered us tickets and back stage passes for the show the next night in Indy, but we knew we could not make it. We decided to take the time after the show and wait by the tour bus with only about a dozen people. Jackson came out of the theater and seemed kind of blown away people were standing there hoping to greet him. We basically all shook his hand, told him we loved the show and then Chris and I were on the road back to Dayton.
The next day, I am walking across campus and I bump into Mike Ferrari. He stopped me and said, "I heard about last night; that was so cool!"
"Yeah it was," I replied.
"Can't believe you went to a bar and had beers with Jackson Browne!"
I was struck speechless. That didn't happen, but Mike had walked off before could say anything.
Later that day I ran into Ted, Mike's house mate.
"Dude, heard about last night. Holy shit that is unbelievable! I can't believe you had cheeseburgers with Jackson Browne!"
"What?"
"Jeff told me about you and Chris going out after the show because Jackson invited the two of you to have cheeseburgers with him."
I called Chris when I got home.
"So did you tell Jeff about our trip to the show?"
"Yeah."
"Did you tell him he had cheeseburgers with Jackson Browne?"
"What?"
"Ted walked up and was in disbelief and told me he could not believe we had cheeseburgers with Jackson Browne."
Chris just laughed. He called me later and told me Jeff wanted to make the story more exciting each time he told it, so he embellished it each time. We all had a laugh about it. It was actually quite funny.
Last I heard, Chris and I were supposed to join Jackson Browne on tour for the next leg, but that never materialized.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Fantasy Football for Girls
I met with Richard and Adrienne up at a local bar to watch all the 1:00 games today. Richard and I were playing each other in two separate leagues (I lost both games) and Zoe, their 10 year old daughter, came along.
When I walked in, Zoe was sitting on the end sipping her Shirley Temple and eating her lunch. I had a seat and the afternoon began.
Trying to watch eight simultaneous games (there were ten games, but only eight television screens,) and keep up with stats on a phone is sheer madness. Doing this and carrying on a conversation is a small step beyond madness. Now throw in trying to grab the attention of the brown haired woman wearing a hoody at an adjacent table and it becomes sensory overload for an adult, but poor Zoe gets bored quite quickly.
"Daddy, do you have to be a certain age to play fantasy football?" What was funny was she asked the same question last week, approaching the subject as though she might be interested in playing.
"No," he answered.
"I go to school with two boys, Nathan and Greg, and all they ever do is talk about fantasy football and how well their teams are doing."
I piped in, "Well, you know, if you like boys, then learning how to play fantasy football will give you something to talk about with them."
In unison, Richard and Adrienne shout "Bryon!" I don't think they're quite ready for Zoe to become interested in boys yet.
I am not allowed to give Zoe advice on boys any more.
***
In her boredom, Zoe grabbed a napkin and a pen and got her dad to play Hangman with her. Zoe is a very visual person, so the first few games were literally things in front of her.
Richard ran through "Shirley Temple," "cherry," "hangman," "knife," and then "silver."
While watching the games and listening out of one ear, I grabbed the pen and created a blank answer for her to figure out.
As a kid I remember playing with my cousins Denise and Melissa in the family room of their house and I stumped them using "XAVIER," the name of the school I'd eventually got to high school for.
As I placed out all the blanks, "_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _."
Eventually she got to "S A I N T _ A _ I E R H I G H S C H O O L" before she lost.
I'm probably too competeitive for my own good.
At this point, Richard leans over and says, "You know what would be funny?"
"What?"
"Use the phrase 'The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs.'"
I started laughing. It was like when he'd set the deck playing "Hearts" in college and I'd come back from the bathroom and run the deck against him, Marge and Kim. They sat there laughing as my lack of a poker face was all they needed to get a great laugh.
I set up the board for Zoe.
She was guessing all the obvious letters and I filled them in. I don't think she was aware she had not missed a letter yet. Her face was lit up as she could do no wrong!
As she ran through letters, one by one, I marked them in.
"L. D. T. H."
"What's next?" I asked her.
"M. F. R." she answered one at a time.
She pointed to the word "F O _" and was shocked to learn it was not "F O R."
"B. N. W. G." Upon filling in the last word, she confessed she thought it was "DOES" originally.
"Q."
The board was filling in and she was still unaware she had not missed one.
"This is hard," she said.
Ricard was laughing watching this and said, "Try some unusal letters. Letters you wouldn't normally use."
"Z." I filled it in and she yelled "LAZY!"
"C. K. V." Upon writing in the "V," she shouted "OVER!"
I can't tell you how funny this had actually become for us. She had just a few letters left and started saying her ABCs trying to see what she had not used yet.
"J..... Jumped. Got K. Got L."
Richard throws out the last letter and she repeats it. "X..... Fox."
Then she solves it and we explain to her that the sentence has every single letter in the alphabet. She just started laughing at us and then we got back to watching more football.
When I walked in, Zoe was sitting on the end sipping her Shirley Temple and eating her lunch. I had a seat and the afternoon began.
Trying to watch eight simultaneous games (there were ten games, but only eight television screens,) and keep up with stats on a phone is sheer madness. Doing this and carrying on a conversation is a small step beyond madness. Now throw in trying to grab the attention of the brown haired woman wearing a hoody at an adjacent table and it becomes sensory overload for an adult, but poor Zoe gets bored quite quickly.
"Daddy, do you have to be a certain age to play fantasy football?" What was funny was she asked the same question last week, approaching the subject as though she might be interested in playing.
"No," he answered.
"I go to school with two boys, Nathan and Greg, and all they ever do is talk about fantasy football and how well their teams are doing."
I piped in, "Well, you know, if you like boys, then learning how to play fantasy football will give you something to talk about with them."
In unison, Richard and Adrienne shout "Bryon!" I don't think they're quite ready for Zoe to become interested in boys yet.
I am not allowed to give Zoe advice on boys any more.
***
In her boredom, Zoe grabbed a napkin and a pen and got her dad to play Hangman with her. Zoe is a very visual person, so the first few games were literally things in front of her.
Richard ran through "Shirley Temple," "cherry," "hangman," "knife," and then "silver."
While watching the games and listening out of one ear, I grabbed the pen and created a blank answer for her to figure out.
As a kid I remember playing with my cousins Denise and Melissa in the family room of their house and I stumped them using "XAVIER," the name of the school I'd eventually got to high school for.
As I placed out all the blanks, "_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _."
Eventually she got to "S A I N T _ A _ I E R H I G H S C H O O L" before she lost.
I'm probably too competeitive for my own good.
At this point, Richard leans over and says, "You know what would be funny?"
"What?"
"Use the phrase 'The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dogs.'"
I started laughing. It was like when he'd set the deck playing "Hearts" in college and I'd come back from the bathroom and run the deck against him, Marge and Kim. They sat there laughing as my lack of a poker face was all they needed to get a great laugh.
I set up the board for Zoe.
She was guessing all the obvious letters and I filled them in. I don't think she was aware she had not missed a letter yet. Her face was lit up as she could do no wrong!
As she ran through letters, one by one, I marked them in.
"L. D. T. H."
"What's next?" I asked her.
"M. F. R." she answered one at a time.
She pointed to the word "F O _" and was shocked to learn it was not "F O R."
"B. N. W. G." Upon filling in the last word, she confessed she thought it was "DOES" originally.
"Q."
The board was filling in and she was still unaware she had not missed one.
"This is hard," she said.
Ricard was laughing watching this and said, "Try some unusal letters. Letters you wouldn't normally use."
"Z." I filled it in and she yelled "LAZY!"
"C. K. V." Upon writing in the "V," she shouted "OVER!"
I can't tell you how funny this had actually become for us. She had just a few letters left and started saying her ABCs trying to see what she had not used yet.
"J..... Jumped. Got K. Got L."
Richard throws out the last letter and she repeats it. "X..... Fox."
Then she solves it and we explain to her that the sentence has every single letter in the alphabet. She just started laughing at us and then we got back to watching more football.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A Very Harrison Christmas
I have to be careful when telling any of the Harrison stories over the years. A lot of the stories typical involve the phrase "alcohol was involved," and the purpose of this particular story dances around the alcohol part of the story and it focuses on a child.
Every year, the family gathers at Donald and Edith's house for the celebration. We're talking 50 to 60 people, not counting Santa, at the current gatherings. It's a wide age span from the oldest to the youngest of the sixteen cousins in our family. I am the third oldest cousin and Alise is the youngest. In fact, she just turned twenty-one last month.
One particular Christmas, many, many years ago, my sister, Stacy, showed up with a rattlesnake kit. Just for those outside of Louisville, a rattlesnake here is not the same drink in Ohio (or anywhere else it seems.)
Stacy started making them for my aunts who started shooting them. Soon they were doing this with their hands behind their back and picking up a shot class with just their mouth and throwing them back. This particular way of drinking shots is cleverly called a blow job.
My cousin Alise was three years old at the time and watched this as it occurred. She decided, at the age of three, she wanted to imitate them, but she didn't have a drink, so she went under the sink and got her bubbles. You know bubbles, they are outdoor bubbles with the little ring that kids dip in the soap and blow through to get bubbles to come out.
She did a couple shots, picking it up with just her mouth and swigging the soap back with her hands behind her back, just like her aunts. Someone saw this, it might have been me actually, and took the bubbles away. Realizing it was soap made me gag.
Hell, I am gagging as I type this.
At that point, Edith or myself picked her up and held her over the sink giving her water as we were unsure of whether she drank any.
Watching her do the blow job style of drinking shots though, I'm pretty sure there's a Mastercard commercial in there somewhere with the tagline "Priceless."
Then she threw up bubbles. Everywhere.
She was foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog.
Now that I think about it, I wasn't holding her because I can't handle vomit. Every time I think about holding up a friend from high school or college as they threw up, I feel a little sick.
She got sick a couple times in the sink and that marked the end of the aunts drinking shots like that in front of Alise. I can only assume she never drank bubbles again after that. I can't imagine she even wanted to play with them again.
And rattlesnake kits have been banned from the Harrison Christmas party since.
Every year, the family gathers at Donald and Edith's house for the celebration. We're talking 50 to 60 people, not counting Santa, at the current gatherings. It's a wide age span from the oldest to the youngest of the sixteen cousins in our family. I am the third oldest cousin and Alise is the youngest. In fact, she just turned twenty-one last month.
One particular Christmas, many, many years ago, my sister, Stacy, showed up with a rattlesnake kit. Just for those outside of Louisville, a rattlesnake here is not the same drink in Ohio (or anywhere else it seems.)
Stacy started making them for my aunts who started shooting them. Soon they were doing this with their hands behind their back and picking up a shot class with just their mouth and throwing them back. This particular way of drinking shots is cleverly called a blow job.
My cousin Alise was three years old at the time and watched this as it occurred. She decided, at the age of three, she wanted to imitate them, but she didn't have a drink, so she went under the sink and got her bubbles. You know bubbles, they are outdoor bubbles with the little ring that kids dip in the soap and blow through to get bubbles to come out.
She did a couple shots, picking it up with just her mouth and swigging the soap back with her hands behind her back, just like her aunts. Someone saw this, it might have been me actually, and took the bubbles away. Realizing it was soap made me gag.
Hell, I am gagging as I type this.
At that point, Edith or myself picked her up and held her over the sink giving her water as we were unsure of whether she drank any.
Watching her do the blow job style of drinking shots though, I'm pretty sure there's a Mastercard commercial in there somewhere with the tagline "Priceless."
Then she threw up bubbles. Everywhere.
She was foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog.
Now that I think about it, I wasn't holding her because I can't handle vomit. Every time I think about holding up a friend from high school or college as they threw up, I feel a little sick.
She got sick a couple times in the sink and that marked the end of the aunts drinking shots like that in front of Alise. I can only assume she never drank bubbles again after that. I can't imagine she even wanted to play with them again.
And rattlesnake kits have been banned from the Harrison Christmas party since.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Brain Fart
I've had some incredible moments of stupidity before but this one was such a winner I actually told people about it. I just found it that funny.
In August 2009, I went into my local McDonald's in Marysville to grab a bite to eat and I just beat the crowd. It's always a great feeling when you just beat a crowd arriving.
As I am sitting down and I see a Chinese woman walking around wearing a shirt. On the shirt was the word "HOPE" however it was separated on two lines. The first line said "HO" and the second line said "PE."
It looked like this, except it was a short sleeve woman's shirt.
I saw the shirt and I thought her name was Ho Pe.
It took me about 10 seconds to realize the shirt said "HOPE."
In August 2009, I went into my local McDonald's in Marysville to grab a bite to eat and I just beat the crowd. It's always a great feeling when you just beat a crowd arriving.
As I am sitting down and I see a Chinese woman walking around wearing a shirt. On the shirt was the word "HOPE" however it was separated on two lines. The first line said "HO" and the second line said "PE."
It looked like this, except it was a short sleeve woman's shirt.
I saw the shirt and I thought her name was Ho Pe.
It took me about 10 seconds to realize the shirt said "HOPE."
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Saturday Night Fights, Part 3
Avery versus Madison, Round 1
Avery was dying to box someone. She is the youngest of the original six children before Dylan came along and she is constantly picked on by the older five. This would be her chance to pop someone in the face and she wouldn't get in trouble for it.
So Avery (red headgear) squared off against May (black headgear.) May has a much longer reach than Avery and is four years older, but a stiff breeze will break her skinny self in two.
May got the better of her this time, but when Avery is ten years older, she will likely kick all their asses at once as she unleashes her fists of fury after years of torment. They better start being nicer to her.
Avery versus Madison, Round 2
May got Avery in the face and then ran liked a scared little girl as Avery went after her.
A storm was approaching and that brought an end to the fights that night, almost. There was one last matchup before the night concluded, but there is no video of the incident.
Stacy and Scott had gone inside with the baby and a few minutes later, Chloe came in crying from boxing May. They could not understand what she was saying because she was crying so hard, so Stacy went outside to investigate.
May had called timeout at one point while they were punching and Chloe stopped and put her fists down. May then sucker punched Chloe in the face and it apparently stung quite a bit.
The lesson here - Never trust May when she says timeout.
After getting a scolding from Jenna and Stacy for the dirty tricks, the Saturday Night Fights came to a conclusion.
Avery was dying to box someone. She is the youngest of the original six children before Dylan came along and she is constantly picked on by the older five. This would be her chance to pop someone in the face and she wouldn't get in trouble for it.
So Avery (red headgear) squared off against May (black headgear.) May has a much longer reach than Avery and is four years older, but a stiff breeze will break her skinny self in two.
May got the better of her this time, but when Avery is ten years older, she will likely kick all their asses at once as she unleashes her fists of fury after years of torment. They better start being nicer to her.
Avery versus Madison, Round 2
May got Avery in the face and then ran liked a scared little girl as Avery went after her.
A storm was approaching and that brought an end to the fights that night, almost. There was one last matchup before the night concluded, but there is no video of the incident.
Stacy and Scott had gone inside with the baby and a few minutes later, Chloe came in crying from boxing May. They could not understand what she was saying because she was crying so hard, so Stacy went outside to investigate.
May had called timeout at one point while they were punching and Chloe stopped and put her fists down. May then sucker punched Chloe in the face and it apparently stung quite a bit.
The lesson here - Never trust May when she says timeout.
After getting a scolding from Jenna and Stacy for the dirty tricks, the Saturday Night Fights came to a conclusion.
Saturday Night Fights, Part 2
Amanda versus Chloe, Round 1
Fresh off getting her ass kicked by her older sister Jenna, Amanda (black headgear) faces off against Chloe (red headgear) next. Chloe is the youngest of the three sisters and Amanda realized the disadvantage of being a softy, because she was afraid she might hurt Chloe by hitting her. As a result, Chloe faired well against Amanda.
Madison refereed the match in her Hello Kitty tank top because her referee shirt was at the cleaners.
Chloe lets out a squeal when Amanda just touched gloves with her before the fight. Then she backs Amanda up.
A quick time out came from the helmet is too big for Chloe is immediately followed by Amanda trash talking and turning into a gut busting punch as Chloe yell, "Let's go!"
This strategy works as Amanda must be wondering if she bit off more than she could chew again!
The approaching car signals the end of Round 1.
Amanda versus Chloe, Round 2
Round 2 opens with Amanda popping Chloe in the face and then she makes the mistake of standing flat footed and Chloe pops her in the face the snaps her head to the right!
Scott and Stacy are busting out laughing as this all occurs.
Chloe gets some good shots in the rest of the way against the slightly bigger Amanda and handles herself well except for having to constantly adjust the helmet as it covers her eyes.
Fresh off getting her ass kicked by her older sister Jenna, Amanda (black headgear) faces off against Chloe (red headgear) next. Chloe is the youngest of the three sisters and Amanda realized the disadvantage of being a softy, because she was afraid she might hurt Chloe by hitting her. As a result, Chloe faired well against Amanda.
Madison refereed the match in her Hello Kitty tank top because her referee shirt was at the cleaners.
Chloe lets out a squeal when Amanda just touched gloves with her before the fight. Then she backs Amanda up.
A quick time out came from the helmet is too big for Chloe is immediately followed by Amanda trash talking and turning into a gut busting punch as Chloe yell, "Let's go!"
This strategy works as Amanda must be wondering if she bit off more than she could chew again!
The approaching car signals the end of Round 1.
Amanda versus Chloe, Round 2
Round 2 opens with Amanda popping Chloe in the face and then she makes the mistake of standing flat footed and Chloe pops her in the face the snaps her head to the right!
Scott and Stacy are busting out laughing as this all occurs.
Chloe gets some good shots in the rest of the way against the slightly bigger Amanda and handles herself well except for having to constantly adjust the helmet as it covers her eyes.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Saturday Night Fights, Part 1
Jenna Versus Amanda, Round 1
Amanda's birthday was approaching last year while I was in Florida for two Springsteen shows. Unfortunately I was in Tampa and missed this event, but I was laughing my ass off a the hotel after the show watching this online. It was when I returned to their house on Sunday I got to discuss "Boxing Night."
It all started when Stacy asked the other kids what they should get her while she was in town that weekend as a birthday gift. After careful thought and consideration, Calvin said, "Boxing gloves."
All the other kids agreed it was a perfect gift.
Scott had an old set of boxing gloves in the garage and occasionally the kids would get them down, but because they had only one set of gloves, one person had the right glove and the other had the left. With Amanda's birthday approaching, it was the perfect gift. This way two people could each have a set and they could actually box!
They live in a nice gated community in Florida and my sister decided the best venue for the Saturday night fights was out in front of the house where all the neighbors in the nice community could also watch (and they really did stop their cars to watch as they drove by.) You can take my sister out of Fern Creek, but you can't take Fern Creek out of my sister. I told her that the community will move the gate so their house is on the outside if they are not careful.
Amanda is the middle child of Scott's three girls. Jenna is the oldest and Chloe is the youngest. She is the most athletic of the three playing fast pitch softball, but Jenna was still bigger than her and Chloe was almost her size. And as the videos show, she's got a goofy sense of humor as she cracked several jokes while getting pummeled.
For the first boxing match Amanda (black headgear) took a pounding just for the opportunity to hit her older sister Jenna (red headgear) with a couple good punches.
Scott refereed the boxing match between his daughters and Amanda is making jokes right off the bat. A pickup truck slowly passes by just 17 seconds into the video and I can only wonder what they were thinking. Jenna smacks the silly out of Amanda early on and Amanda still had not realized she bit off more than she could chew.
Amanda is a trip. Scott's yelling instructions to her and Amanda finally screams, "Shut up!" It can be difficult when sparring to follow someone's instructions. and she also got lucky that Jenna did not connect with the left at 1:33 in the video.
Jenna Versus Amanda, Round 2
In the second round, Amanda's talking trash, saying Jenna's going down!
As Scott starts the fight, she can't stop laughing because she knows Jenna's gonna smack her down again.
Jenna tags her at 1:31 bringing laughter from everyone.
The round concludes as a car approaches the boxing ring.
Amanda's birthday was approaching last year while I was in Florida for two Springsteen shows. Unfortunately I was in Tampa and missed this event, but I was laughing my ass off a the hotel after the show watching this online. It was when I returned to their house on Sunday I got to discuss "Boxing Night."
It all started when Stacy asked the other kids what they should get her while she was in town that weekend as a birthday gift. After careful thought and consideration, Calvin said, "Boxing gloves."
All the other kids agreed it was a perfect gift.
Scott had an old set of boxing gloves in the garage and occasionally the kids would get them down, but because they had only one set of gloves, one person had the right glove and the other had the left. With Amanda's birthday approaching, it was the perfect gift. This way two people could each have a set and they could actually box!
They live in a nice gated community in Florida and my sister decided the best venue for the Saturday night fights was out in front of the house where all the neighbors in the nice community could also watch (and they really did stop their cars to watch as they drove by.) You can take my sister out of Fern Creek, but you can't take Fern Creek out of my sister. I told her that the community will move the gate so their house is on the outside if they are not careful.
Amanda is the middle child of Scott's three girls. Jenna is the oldest and Chloe is the youngest. She is the most athletic of the three playing fast pitch softball, but Jenna was still bigger than her and Chloe was almost her size. And as the videos show, she's got a goofy sense of humor as she cracked several jokes while getting pummeled.
For the first boxing match Amanda (black headgear) took a pounding just for the opportunity to hit her older sister Jenna (red headgear) with a couple good punches.
Scott refereed the boxing match between his daughters and Amanda is making jokes right off the bat. A pickup truck slowly passes by just 17 seconds into the video and I can only wonder what they were thinking. Jenna smacks the silly out of Amanda early on and Amanda still had not realized she bit off more than she could chew.
Amanda is a trip. Scott's yelling instructions to her and Amanda finally screams, "Shut up!" It can be difficult when sparring to follow someone's instructions. and she also got lucky that Jenna did not connect with the left at 1:33 in the video.
Jenna Versus Amanda, Round 2
In the second round, Amanda's talking trash, saying Jenna's going down!
As Scott starts the fight, she can't stop laughing because she knows Jenna's gonna smack her down again.
Jenna tags her at 1:31 bringing laughter from everyone.
The round concludes as a car approaches the boxing ring.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Mother of the Year?
I was in town visiting in August 1999 and staying at my sister's haunted crack house.
It was a typical conversation as we sat on the couch when we suddenly heard a loud thump on the floor in her bedroom. We looked at each other wide eyed and then a moment later Maddie was screaming bloody murder.
Stacy jumped up off the couch and ran in there and brought out the screaming 10 month old who had fallen off the bed when she rolled over.
"Shhhh!" she urged her as she tried to calm her.
She then looked up at me and said, "I can't believe she did that again."
"AGAIN!!!" I shouted in disbelief.
And I got in trouble for leaving Calvin in a theater by himself for 90 second to run to the bathroom?
Madison does not seem to have suffered to much from the injury all these years later. Kids must be made of rubber.
Tweet
It was a typical conversation as we sat on the couch when we suddenly heard a loud thump on the floor in her bedroom. We looked at each other wide eyed and then a moment later Maddie was screaming bloody murder.
Stacy jumped up off the couch and ran in there and brought out the screaming 10 month old who had fallen off the bed when she rolled over.
"Shhhh!" she urged her as she tried to calm her.
She then looked up at me and said, "I can't believe she did that again."
"AGAIN!!!" I shouted in disbelief.
And I got in trouble for leaving Calvin in a theater by himself for 90 second to run to the bathroom?
Madison does not seem to have suffered to much from the injury all these years later. Kids must be made of rubber.
Tweet
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A Geeky Guide to a Practical Joke
Some history
"Star Trek" and the all the spin offs can be a very polarizing subject. People either seem to love it or hate it. I admit the cheesy special effect and overacting by William Shatner from the first series can be a turn off.
I began watching "Star Trek: The Next Generation" in college during it's third season. During season three through season five, it was probably some of the best written television despite being in the science fiction genre. It was not long before a group of us would plan the evening around it and watch it.
The next year, Rob, Chris, Jeff and Matt moved into a house that sat behind the Frisch's located at the corner of Brown and Stewart on the edge of the University of Dayton. I would walk down there and watch it with the guys every week. (Sadly, the house has long since been demolished.)
During the fourth season, the franchise announced there was going to be a new series called "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine."
The Episode
There is an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" called "Cause and Effect." The Enterprise enters a time loop where they keep repeating events over and over similar to "Groundhog Day" which I believe actually came out two years later. The episode actually opens with the 45 second teaser showing the destruction of the Enterprise. It was thoroughly confusing to the viewer until it came back from commercial and you see the ship floating along only to be destroyed 12 minutes later in the same manner. Then it came back from commercial and repeated itself.
The Joke
One of the guys, Cort, had a class, so the guys were always taping it so he could come home and watch it after us. Either Chris or Matt told him the tape was sitting in the VCR, but then the following conversation took place.
Matt: "Did you know this was the last episode of the series?"
Cort: "Really?"
Matt: "Yeah. They have the new series, Deep Space Nine, coming out next year, so they are canceling it and tonight is the last episode of the series."
Cort: "Wow, I'm glad you taped it."
He turned on the TV and saw the opening.
Cort: "What the..."
Matt: "Oh my God! I forgot to rewind it!"
Cort went berserk thinking he saw the end of the episode and the guys could not stop laughing because he got more and more pissed the more everyone laughed!
And as much of a highlight that was, they also got to retell the story over and over to everyone who watched it elsewhere that night.
It was a great joke actually to play on a Star Trek fan.
"Star Trek" and the all the spin offs can be a very polarizing subject. People either seem to love it or hate it. I admit the cheesy special effect and overacting by William Shatner from the first series can be a turn off.
I began watching "Star Trek: The Next Generation" in college during it's third season. During season three through season five, it was probably some of the best written television despite being in the science fiction genre. It was not long before a group of us would plan the evening around it and watch it.
The next year, Rob, Chris, Jeff and Matt moved into a house that sat behind the Frisch's located at the corner of Brown and Stewart on the edge of the University of Dayton. I would walk down there and watch it with the guys every week. (Sadly, the house has long since been demolished.)
During the fourth season, the franchise announced there was going to be a new series called "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine."
The Episode
There is an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" called "Cause and Effect." The Enterprise enters a time loop where they keep repeating events over and over similar to "Groundhog Day" which I believe actually came out two years later. The episode actually opens with the 45 second teaser showing the destruction of the Enterprise. It was thoroughly confusing to the viewer until it came back from commercial and you see the ship floating along only to be destroyed 12 minutes later in the same manner. Then it came back from commercial and repeated itself.
The Joke
One of the guys, Cort, had a class, so the guys were always taping it so he could come home and watch it after us. Either Chris or Matt told him the tape was sitting in the VCR, but then the following conversation took place.
Matt: "Did you know this was the last episode of the series?"
Cort: "Really?"
Matt: "Yeah. They have the new series, Deep Space Nine, coming out next year, so they are canceling it and tonight is the last episode of the series."
Cort: "Wow, I'm glad you taped it."
He turned on the TV and saw the opening.
Cort: "What the..."
Matt: "Oh my God! I forgot to rewind it!"
Cort went berserk thinking he saw the end of the episode and the guys could not stop laughing because he got more and more pissed the more everyone laughed!
And as much of a highlight that was, they also got to retell the story over and over to everyone who watched it elsewhere that night.
It was a great joke actually to play on a Star Trek fan.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
White House begins selling naming rights to National Monuments
In a move to try and refill the money taken from Social Security over the last several decades and prevent the inevitable bankruptcy of the retirement plan, the Unites States of America has announced they are selling the naming rights of our monuments.
YUM! foods spokesperson Dean Warner stood side by side with the President of the Unites States as the two closed a deal to rename "The Liberty Bell" to "The Taco Bell Liberty Bell."
"This is a huge opportunity for us to spread our brand name to people in America who may not have heard of Taco Bell."
"This is a wonderful opportunity for businesses to advertise as we follow the same business plan of many arenas and stadiums that sold their naming rights to raise revenue," said the President.
He added with a wink of an eye, "The next ceremony is going to be announced this evening, so I don't want to steal the thunder, but I think all Americans will be excited to see who bought the naming rights to the Jefferson McMorial."
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs answered questions after the ceremony, in particular, some of the corporations the White House is courting.
"We would love to be able to sell the naming rights to Mammoth Cave to Vagisil. It seems like a perfect fit to us. And the Grand Canyon, the biggest crack in the earth, we are hoping to talk Preparation H regarding naming rights."
YUM! foods spokesperson Dean Warner stood side by side with the President of the Unites States as the two closed a deal to rename "The Liberty Bell" to "The Taco Bell Liberty Bell."
"This is a huge opportunity for us to spread our brand name to people in America who may not have heard of Taco Bell."
"This is a wonderful opportunity for businesses to advertise as we follow the same business plan of many arenas and stadiums that sold their naming rights to raise revenue," said the President.
He added with a wink of an eye, "The next ceremony is going to be announced this evening, so I don't want to steal the thunder, but I think all Americans will be excited to see who bought the naming rights to the Jefferson McMorial."
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs answered questions after the ceremony, in particular, some of the corporations the White House is courting.
"We would love to be able to sell the naming rights to Mammoth Cave to Vagisil. It seems like a perfect fit to us. And the Grand Canyon, the biggest crack in the earth, we are hoping to talk Preparation H regarding naming rights."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Grandma scares Avery
In February 2005, I was forwarded a maze game. This was "The Scary Maze Game." If you google this, you'll see several links. There are also numerous videos where you can watch people's reactions as they try and solve the maze. As they press their face close to the screen, an image of Linda Blair from "The Exorcist" pops up with a horrific scream.
I later forwarded the maze game on to friends and family.
What was funny was the reaction I received as many friends fell for the game. I was called a few names actually as it scared the crap out of a couple friends.
My mom forwarded it to my sister in Florida.
Stacy was maneuvering the mazes with ease until she got to the third screen. When the image came up and the scream occurred, she heard a second scream as Avery was standing next to her.
Avery was three at the time and Stacy had no idea she was standing there. Stacy tried to calm her down as she screamed in horror at the image. When she calmed Avery down. She was quiet for a few moments and then stared screaming again without needing to see the image again.
Stacy calmed her down again and Avery was fine for a few moments and she began screaming again.
Finally, Stacy called mom and told Avery that it was grandma that scared her!
Avery chastised grandma telling her it was not nice to scare her and it hurt her feelings and she should never do it again.
Mom was trying not to laugh as was my sister, but to hear Stacy tell the story, it was all she could do not to laugh as Avery was randomly screaming for no reason after the initial scare.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Madison 1 Grandma 0
Mom was talking with Madison (about age 4) on the phone one day when Madison began a game she often played with grandma. They had played this game many times in the past.
"My grandpa owns a farm. On that farm he has an animal. The animal is white, yellow and orange."
They had played it enough that when Madison said "White" mom knew it was a dog. When Madison said "White and brown," mom knew it was a cow. When she said "Pink," it was a pig.
Mom barely let her get the colors out when she pounced on the question with the answer "A DUCK!"
Madison was momentarily quiet before she asked, "But how big is the duck grandma?" She was a little mad, I think, that grandma got it so quickly.
"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked.
"How big is the duck grandma?"
"I don't know? What does it matter?"
"How big is the duck grandma?"
"I don't know. Two pounds?"
Madison huffed loudly as grandma was now wrong and she won. "Hmph - No! It's as big as all the other ducks."
Grandma and Stacy had it coming from that point going forward after teasing her so much as a toddler, she was developing her own teasing skills now.
Madison 1 Grandma 0
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Juan Williams - fired from NPR
Juan Williams was fired today for comments he made on Fox News on The O'Reilly Factor.
What I find not surprising is how folks on both sides of the political spectrum have rushed to denounce NPR's actions. Whoopi Goldberg and Bill O'Reilly just a week ago were the biggest internet sensation with Bill's visit to The View are now in agreement that what NPR did was wrong.
The only group I have found that does not seem to be bothered by NPR's action is CAIR. CAIR stands for Counsel for American-Islamic Relations. They called for something to be done regarding his comments and NPR bent over backwards to please them in my opinion. CAIR said in their released statement, "Such irresponsible and inflammatory comments would not be tolerated if they targeted any other racial, ethnic or religious minority, and they should not pass without action by NPR."
I personally wonder if they have ever released a statement that Muslims beheading people and showing it over the internet is inflammatory.
NPR handled this poorly on another level by doing the deed by phone. They never brought Juan in to speak face to face and simply released a statement of his termination after notifying him by phone.
Because some of their funding comes from the federal government, this may become a fascinating legal case to determine if this constitutes censorship of the media.
I think it was definitely an overreaction by NPR. I think they may even reverse their position considering the backlash that is coming from the rest of the media. I don't think Juan will be unemployed long however. When I have seen him, I have not agreed with all his views, but he's been a professional on TV and his integrity has him held in high regard by both the left and right leaning media sources.
This is going to hurt NPR a lot more in the long run than it will hurt Mr. Williams.
What I find not surprising is how folks on both sides of the political spectrum have rushed to denounce NPR's actions. Whoopi Goldberg and Bill O'Reilly just a week ago were the biggest internet sensation with Bill's visit to The View are now in agreement that what NPR did was wrong.
The only group I have found that does not seem to be bothered by NPR's action is CAIR. CAIR stands for Counsel for American-Islamic Relations. They called for something to be done regarding his comments and NPR bent over backwards to please them in my opinion. CAIR said in their released statement, "Such irresponsible and inflammatory comments would not be tolerated if they targeted any other racial, ethnic or religious minority, and they should not pass without action by NPR."
I personally wonder if they have ever released a statement that Muslims beheading people and showing it over the internet is inflammatory.
NPR handled this poorly on another level by doing the deed by phone. They never brought Juan in to speak face to face and simply released a statement of his termination after notifying him by phone.
Because some of their funding comes from the federal government, this may become a fascinating legal case to determine if this constitutes censorship of the media.
I think it was definitely an overreaction by NPR. I think they may even reverse their position considering the backlash that is coming from the rest of the media. I don't think Juan will be unemployed long however. When I have seen him, I have not agreed with all his views, but he's been a professional on TV and his integrity has him held in high regard by both the left and right leaning media sources.
This is going to hurt NPR a lot more in the long run than it will hurt Mr. Williams.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Halloween 2008
The past two years, I went over to Lyle and Chandra's on Halloween Night. Sadly, the tradition will not continue this year since I have relocated to Kentucky, but I did come across an old email telling of the evening.
***
It was another fun Halloween giving out candy last night. Of note, I upset a little girl who was dressed as a clown. I was telling her I didn't like clowns and she thought I didn't like her. She went and told her grandma on me. I explained to grandma, it was clowns I didn't like. She replied, "Oh, you're one of them (clown hater.)" I thought, WTF? Is grandma some sort of clown lover to refer to me that way?
This years Halloween was different for me. Instead of handing out candy at my house, I went to Lyle and Chandra's and handed my candy out there with them. There was bloody punch available made by Tina, chili, hotdogs and brats. Oh, and beer. We had plenty of beer.
Tina was making the blood punch and as she opened up the club soda, It sprayed all over her shirt. I told her a little club soda could get that out.
There were a ton of kids on their street. I had 263 last year. This year, there had to be 500. A lot of ninja turtles, a couple Scobby Doos, about 7 clowns and several girls dressed as Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz." No real standouts though as the flow of kids was a lot and I could not make detailed notes.
I gave out suckers to the kids (along with a couple extra for the moms walking the kids around.) The problem was that with so many kids, there would be multiple parents and I didn't know if some of them were the dads
with the moms although I did get a look from one mom though and I had not even given an extra sucker. Our eyes met a couple times as she stood there as I handed out candy to a horde of kids and as she walked away, she turned back around to me and said, "Happy Halloween." I replied the wishes back and she was off into the night.
I'm glad it was a warm night compared to days earlier this week. It was fun.
***
It was another fun Halloween giving out candy last night. Of note, I upset a little girl who was dressed as a clown. I was telling her I didn't like clowns and she thought I didn't like her. She went and told her grandma on me. I explained to grandma, it was clowns I didn't like. She replied, "Oh, you're one of them (clown hater.)" I thought, WTF? Is grandma some sort of clown lover to refer to me that way?
This years Halloween was different for me. Instead of handing out candy at my house, I went to Lyle and Chandra's and handed my candy out there with them. There was bloody punch available made by Tina, chili, hotdogs and brats. Oh, and beer. We had plenty of beer.
Tina was making the blood punch and as she opened up the club soda, It sprayed all over her shirt. I told her a little club soda could get that out.
There were a ton of kids on their street. I had 263 last year. This year, there had to be 500. A lot of ninja turtles, a couple Scobby Doos, about 7 clowns and several girls dressed as Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz." No real standouts though as the flow of kids was a lot and I could not make detailed notes.
I gave out suckers to the kids (along with a couple extra for the moms walking the kids around.) The problem was that with so many kids, there would be multiple parents and I didn't know if some of them were the dads
with the moms although I did get a look from one mom though and I had not even given an extra sucker. Our eyes met a couple times as she stood there as I handed out candy to a horde of kids and as she walked away, she turned back around to me and said, "Happy Halloween." I replied the wishes back and she was off into the night.
I'm glad it was a warm night compared to days earlier this week. It was fun.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Islam by the Numbers
Why I wrote this
I was called an Islamaphobe by a good friend on a social network because I do not buy into the media's portrayal of Muslims. I really have given this a lot of thought.
My background
Firstly, I am against all organized religion. I am a Catholic by birth and have never been to church voluntarily. I believe all religion serves three purposes:
1. To control people. Behave or you will go to Hell! You must give money to the church!
2. To give comfort to people when things cannot be explained, such as when a baby dies. Everyone says, he is in a better place because there has to be a reason for when something this tragic happens.
3. To explain things we cannot explain. When the sun rose in Egypt, they had a sun god responsible for that. When the moon rose, they had a moon god for that. When it rained, guess what, it's another god.
It's not like I am singling them out as a religion because I hold a bias against all religions.
I don't know that I hate them as a group, but I do not support or defend them and their beliefs any more. I did defend them for a while until the final straw of RevolutionMuslim.Com making overt threats to Matt Stone and Trey Parker after episodes of South Park that never showed a character of Mohammed, but only insinuated that he was in a bear suit.
I don't know that I hate them as a group, but I do not support or defend them and their beliefs any more. I did defend them for a while until the final straw of RevolutionMuslim.Com making overt threats to Matt Stone and Trey Parker after episodes of South Park that never showed a character of Mohammed, but only insinuated that he was in a bear suit.
On the post was the following quote:
"We have to warn Matt and Trey that what they are doing is stupid and they will probably wind up like Theo Van Gogh for airing this show. This is not a threat, but a warning of the reality of what will likely happen to them."
I can only guess that this example was similar to the warning of a horse's head in the bed in the movie "The Godfather." It was simply a message. What a peaceful message to send.
Hate versus Fear
I am not scared of Islam as phobe might indicate. Phobia is from the Greek and means fear. Liberals like to paint someone like myself as basing my stance against anything I am not open to as fear and ignorance and thus they slap the predicate phobe onto a word and this simply wrong.
Liberals like to equate hate to fear, but this is not necessarily a true statement.
I hate smokers. I hate being around smokers. I hate my clothes stinking from their smoke. Does this make me scared of smoke as a "phobia" would lead me to believe.
"KNOCK-KNOCK"
"Who's there?"
"A smoker."
"AAHHHHHH!!!!!! Run for your life! Oh my God! Oh my God! I am so scared!"
You may think I am being silly, but watch how people react to snakes, spiders, clowns, heights, etc. That's true fear. It's not always rational.
Technically, looking at the definition, today's liberal would say “yes” because someone has changed the definition of phobia to mean a fear or intense hatred.
It's the stupidest bleeping thing I have ever read when I looked up the word capnophobia. The definition is inclusive with "hatred" despite the Greek root only meaning fear. That's what the Greek prefix mis means in a word such as misanthrope.
I am not a capnaphobic, I am a miscapnic.
And unlike someone who has an irrational fear, I can rationalize with valid data why why I consider Islam dangerous.
Islam by the numbers
For my numbers, I do make one basic assumption. Anyone who supports violent Jihad is not a fan of America. If you can prove otherwise, then do so.
I found a website that estimates 1.57 Billion Muslims in the world. It is the second largest religion in the world and growing.
85% of the people are Muslim. 10% of the Muslims back violent Jihad. That means in Indonesia alone, 18.7 Million people agree with violent Jihad. (220 Million x 85% x 10%)
Does that number sound like a small, fringe element to you in regular numbers?
This one country has as many Muslims believing in violent jihad as the entire population of New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston and Columbus Ohio. I found the data chart for city populations here.
It would be statistically invalid because of the sampling to use the 10.0% in Indonesia supporting Jihad towards the 1.57 Billion Muslims in the world. It's simply not a valid sample, however, let's look at other regions and see if we can extrapolate some numbers that disprove Indonesia as being an extreme number.
Muslim population (Millions) | |
North America | 7.26 |
South America | 2.41 |
Asia | 1100.00 |
Europe | 51.46 |
Africa | 462.00 |
Europe
The following information was pulled from PewGlobal.org and it is used to calculate the number of Muslims in Europe that support suicide bombings in a Jihad. The sample is asked only of Muslims. The percentage reflects the percentage of Muslims who feel suicide bombings are either often or sometimes justified to defend Islam.
These 4 countries represent over 20% of European Muslims.
Percentage say often or sometimes is justified | Muslim Population of the country (Millions) | Product of the two columns (Millions) | |
French Mulims | 16.00% | 6.12 | 0.98 |
Spanish Muslims | 16.00% | 0.55 | 0.09 |
British Muslims | 15.00% | 1.51 | 0.23 |
German Muslims | 7.00% | 3.05 | 0.21 |
Total | 11.23 | 1.51 | |
Total European Mulim Population | 51.46 | ||
European Muslim population in these four countries | 21.82% |
1.51 Million Muslims that support Jihad in these 4 countries.
11.23 Million Muslims in these 4 countries
This equals 13% of Muslims in these 4 countries that represent over 20% of the entire Muslim population in Europe that support suicide bombings. That's a higher percentage than in Indonesia!
For all of Europe I will extrapolate that 13% of European Muslims feel that suicide bombings are often or sometimes justified to defend Islam.
51.46 Million Muslims x 13% = 6.69 Million more Muslims that feel it is OK for attacks to occur in defense of Islam.
North America
7% of Muslims in America say violence is sometimes or often justified.
That's 1 out of 14. I don't know if I would consider that a small fringe group supporting bombings. That's 510,000 Muslims in America that feel violence is sometimes or often justified to defend Islam. That more than the entire population of Kansas City, MO, our 35th most populous city.
I came up with the percentage from the article as follows:
"While nearly 80 percent of U.S. Muslims say suicide bombings of civilians to defend Islam can not be justified, 13 percent say they can be, at least rarely."
80% + 13% = 93%.
Asia
Percentage say often or sometimes is justified | Muslim Population of the country (Millions) | Product of the two columns (Millions) | |
Lebanon | 34.00% | 2.33 | 0.79 |
Palestine Terr. | 70.00% | 3.82 | 2.67 |
Malaysia | 26.00% | 15.40 | 4.00 |
Kuwait | 21.00% | 2.70 | 0.57 |
Bangladesh | 20.00% | 0.55 | 0.11 |
Pakistan | 9.00% | 1.51 | 0.14 |
Turkey | 16.00% | 73.55 | 11.77 |
Jordan | 23.00% | 5.26 | 1.21 |
Total | 105.12 | 21.26 |
So out of 105 Million Muslims in these Asian countries, 21.26 Million feel suicide bombings are often or sometimes justified.
That's a percentage of 20.24%. That seems larger than a fringe element supporting the actions of suicide bombers. Again, it makes the Indonesia percentage seem small.
For the sake of erring on the side of caution, should perhaps I should extrapolate the number of Asian Muslims from all the other countries at 10%?
Is it safe to just use 10% considering the size of Indonesia and the fact it is a very low percentage?
I will go one better and just use the 9 percent representing Pakistan knowing that it is shorting 800,000 known Indonesians that are Muslim and support violence to defend Islam.
Total Asian Muslim Population is 1.1 Billion.
1.1 Billion x 9% = 99 Million Muslims that sometimes or often feel suicide bombing to defend Islam are justified.
Africa
Percentage say often or sometimes is justified | Muslim Population of the country (Millions) | Product of the two columns (Millions) | |
Ethiopia | 18.00% | 37.40 | 6.73 |
Ghana | 30.00% | 6.78 | 2.03 |
Ivory Coast | 30.00% | 11.82 | 3.55 |
Mali | 39.00% | 12.51 | 4.88 |
Nigeria | 34.00% | 65.25 | 22.19 |
Senegal | 18.00% | 11.19 | 2.01 |
Tanzia | 12.00% | 18.95 | 2.27 |
Uganda | 30.00% | 4.43 | 1.33 |
Total | 168.33 | 44.99 |
So 44.99 Million Muslims out of 168.33 Muslims in Africa think bombings are sometimes or often justified to defend Islam.
That is 26.7% for these 8 countries. I thought the 10% in Indonesia was high. Wow.
There are 462 Million Muslims in Africa.
462 Million x 26.7% = 123.35 Million Muslims.
Conclusion
Muslim population (Millions) | Percentage that support suicide bombings | Total raw number (Millions) | |
North America | 7.26 | 7.00% | 0.51 |
South America | 2.41 | Not significant | Not significant |
Asia | 1100.00 | 9.00% | 99.00 |
Europe | 51.46 | 13.00% | 6.69 |
Africa | 462.00 | 26.70% | 123.35 |
Totals | 1623.13 | 229.55 | |
Total percentage | 14.14% |
We have calculated that 14.14% of Muslims in the world feel that bombings are sometimes or often justified in defense of Islam. We are talking over 229 million Muslims across the world that support this method of defense. This is the number of people who support bombings occasionally or often. This is not the number of terrorists in the world. It's akin to the 330 Million Americans that support ourr troops. We are not all killing for our country, but we are supporting our troops and their mission.
By comparison, the top 50 most populous cities in America adds up to only 48.1 Million.
I did not collect data on South America. we were talking on 2.1 Million Muslims there and something tells me that small of a group out of 1.57 Billion would not significantly change any conclusions that can be made from the data.
Is 14.14% a "fringe element?" That's 1 in 7 Muslims that support these bombings across the world either occasionally or often. And it doesn't even include the Muslims who feel that violence is justified only on rare occasions.
I personally consider something much less than 1% fringe. I think number contradicts that it's only a fringe element supporting the bombings. I think anyone who says Muslims are really peaceful and only a fringe element is supporting terrorism has his/her head in the sand. The data does not support that position.
Does my distrust of them as a religion make me an Islamophobe? No. I distrust all religions, but I do not single out Islam and shudder in fear.
Is Islam a religion of peace? Not in my opinion. While that the data does show a majority of them are peaceful, it is most definitely not just a fringe element supporting the terrorists. My definition of fringe element is much smaller than 1 in 7.
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