All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel;
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun,
Pop! goes the weasel.
Prologue #1
When I was a kid, I had a creepy little metal jack in the box. The "Jack" was a clownish looking court jester that popped out. I remember it was fairly creepy looking and I remember I could turn the arm to stop one note short so all it took was a slight touch to get that thing to jump out.
Prologue #2
Those five people who may have read old stories on here may recall I am not a fan of clowns.
The horror of clowns even made for a creepy episode of Supernatural where they were hunting an evil clown spirit.
Dean Winchester: I know what you're thinking Sam. Why did it have to be clowns?
Sam Winchester: Oh, give me a break.
Dean Winchester: You didn't think I remember, do you? Come on, you still bust out crying when you see Ronald McDonald on the television.
Sam Winchester: At least I'm not afraid of flying.
Dean Winchester: Planes crash!
Sam Winchester: And apparently clowns kill.
Christmas Eve Morning
I walked up to my mom's front porch on Christmas Eve morning. She was expecting me to stop by. As I walked up, I saw Fed Ex had left a package on the doorstep. I brought it in with me as I walked in.
She was busy baking in preparation for Christmas Eve at my brother's house.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It was on the front porch. Fed Ex left it."
"Oh.... Wait! I know what that is. You have to open it."
I looked and noticed it was sent to me.
"Madison sent it to you for Christmas."
After I opened the cardboard box, I removed the paper and saw a painted clown on a metal box. I knew immediately she sent me a jack in the box.
Mom stood there laughing.
"This is wrong," I said as I pulled it out.
It was creepy. It was well detailed and had the little metal arm to turn.
"You have to play it!" mom said. She clearly knew it was coming for me and she was way too excited to see me react to it.
So I set it down and as I wound the arm, it played "Pop Goes the Weasel." There was a creepiness as I turned it when all of a sudden the box whispers, "Come closer."
I stopped turning it.
"What the ****?"
Mom was laughing. "Keep going."
I start it again and the child-like creepy voice again says, "Come Closer." That was followed by, "I have a secret."
I stopped again. "This is wrong."
"Keep going!" she said laughing.
I turned it some more. "Come closer," it whispered again.
At the climax, the freakiest freaking clown in the history of clowns pops out and screams, "DID THE LITTLE CLOWN FRIGHTEN YOU? AWWWWW. GO RUN TO YOUR MOMMY!!!!"
This was followed by a hideous laugh.
Christmas Eve Night
I am hanging at my friend's house and I brought it in for all to see. It was a hit, to the extent that it was the creepiest thing they had EVER seen. They all loved that my goddaughter bought me such an evil gift.
When Adrienne's sister walked in, Wendy prodded me to show Jen. I said, "Are you kidding? I don't want her to scare the clown!"
A Prologue as the Epilogue
My sister walked into the Fed Ex store and wanted to ship the gift to me.
"What is that?" asked the first girl behind the count.
"It's a scary jack in the box for my brother. He's scared of clowns." Just for the record, I am not scared of them, I just do not like them.
The other girl answered. "Wow. It must be really interesting to be in your family."
The first girl spoke again. "Where can I buy one?"
Showing posts with label Harrison Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Harrison Christmas. Show all posts
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Bryon's 2010 Christmas Memories
10. Despite the weather we've had the past month, it was nice having a white Christmas.
9. My cousin Paul was unfortunate enough to draw the fruitcake from the gift exchange game. We draw numbers and can steal gifts from each other. This actual fruitcake and T-shirt have been passed around the last five years.
8. My cousin Kent went over to my Aunt Edith's and got this pink concrete poodle that once belonged to his mom, my Aunt Brenda, and dressed it up for Christmas night. It was the first time we'd seen the monstrosity in 15 years. There's a story behind it from several summers ago that involved whiskey, our quiet cousin Frank whom I've never met and the idea to go to K-Mart and buy florescent pink paint. Legend has it that it's on video tape and my Aunt Brenda walked in and started watching the tape with them. When she went to the front door upon realizing it was her concrete poodle that was being vandalized, she opened the door and saw it on the front porch where the pink monster was greeting her.
7. Before all that happened, my Aunt Brenda drew a pink poodle from the Christmas exchange which brought a round of laughter.
6. I accidentally stole my Aunt Debbie's thunder when I commented that cousin Samantha was pregnant Christmas night at my uncle's house. I happened to serendipitously check my Crackberry and see the post. Two minutes later we got a call from Roger and Debbie that they were coming over. Turns out it was to make the announcement.
5. My cousin Ashley is pregnant and due in May. She has two boys already (my cousin Vinny and my cousin Tony) and I asked her what she's going to do if she has twins. Our grandmother gave birth to two sets and it passes down through the females (her mom Jeanne) and skips a generation which means she is one of three that could have twins (Alise, Ashley, Stacy.) She looked at me with a scared look and said, "Oh my god, that's not funny." [Interesting side note, Tonya and Christy are daughters of a twin which means they also carry the gene, but not from our grandmother.]
4. Getting to see how scared my little cousins were on Santa's lap was amusing. Ryan at the age of two was the bravest of the bunch as he was fine with mommy or daddy there. Isabelle, Tony and Vincent were a mess. Isabelle literally shook in fear of the Fatman.
3. My mom telling my Aunt Brenda, that "I'd kill you dog to Brenda!" Brenda has this yorkie named Ally that she said my Uncle Billy would've killed a long time ago if she weren't around. Mom just felt the need to tease Brenda and was sounding like a character from "The Wizard of Oz."
2. The last two times I saw my two year old nephew, I worked the phrase "This guy" into his vocabulary. "Who has two thumbs and years a diaper?" "This guy!" (with him pointing both thumbs back at himself.)
Dylan, upon opening his gift, was asked by my sister, "Who's car? Who does that belong to?" He pointed at himself with both thumbs and yelled, "This guy!" It was the first time he had used the phrase since he saw me at Thanksgiving and it was exactly how Uncle Bryon taught him.
1. I was actually told I could not print this one. If you email me, I can tell it to you privately. It was wildly funny, completely inappropriate and extremely awkward.
9. My cousin Paul was unfortunate enough to draw the fruitcake from the gift exchange game. We draw numbers and can steal gifts from each other. This actual fruitcake and T-shirt have been passed around the last five years.
8. My cousin Kent went over to my Aunt Edith's and got this pink concrete poodle that once belonged to his mom, my Aunt Brenda, and dressed it up for Christmas night. It was the first time we'd seen the monstrosity in 15 years. There's a story behind it from several summers ago that involved whiskey, our quiet cousin Frank whom I've never met and the idea to go to K-Mart and buy florescent pink paint. Legend has it that it's on video tape and my Aunt Brenda walked in and started watching the tape with them. When she went to the front door upon realizing it was her concrete poodle that was being vandalized, she opened the door and saw it on the front porch where the pink monster was greeting her.
7. Before all that happened, my Aunt Brenda drew a pink poodle from the Christmas exchange which brought a round of laughter.
6. I accidentally stole my Aunt Debbie's thunder when I commented that cousin Samantha was pregnant Christmas night at my uncle's house. I happened to serendipitously check my Crackberry and see the post. Two minutes later we got a call from Roger and Debbie that they were coming over. Turns out it was to make the announcement.
5. My cousin Ashley is pregnant and due in May. She has two boys already (my cousin Vinny and my cousin Tony) and I asked her what she's going to do if she has twins. Our grandmother gave birth to two sets and it passes down through the females (her mom Jeanne) and skips a generation which means she is one of three that could have twins (Alise, Ashley, Stacy.) She looked at me with a scared look and said, "Oh my god, that's not funny." [Interesting side note, Tonya and Christy are daughters of a twin which means they also carry the gene, but not from our grandmother.]
4. Getting to see how scared my little cousins were on Santa's lap was amusing. Ryan at the age of two was the bravest of the bunch as he was fine with mommy or daddy there. Isabelle, Tony and Vincent were a mess. Isabelle literally shook in fear of the Fatman.
3. My mom telling my Aunt Brenda, that "I'd kill you dog to Brenda!" Brenda has this yorkie named Ally that she said my Uncle Billy would've killed a long time ago if she weren't around. Mom just felt the need to tease Brenda and was sounding like a character from "The Wizard of Oz."
2. The last two times I saw my two year old nephew, I worked the phrase "This guy" into his vocabulary. "Who has two thumbs and years a diaper?" "This guy!" (with him pointing both thumbs back at himself.)
Dylan, upon opening his gift, was asked by my sister, "Who's car? Who does that belong to?" He pointed at himself with both thumbs and yelled, "This guy!" It was the first time he had used the phrase since he saw me at Thanksgiving and it was exactly how Uncle Bryon taught him.
1. I was actually told I could not print this one. If you email me, I can tell it to you privately. It was wildly funny, completely inappropriate and extremely awkward.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
A Very Harrison Christmas
I have to be careful when telling any of the Harrison stories over the years. A lot of the stories typical involve the phrase "alcohol was involved," and the purpose of this particular story dances around the alcohol part of the story and it focuses on a child.
Every year, the family gathers at Donald and Edith's house for the celebration. We're talking 50 to 60 people, not counting Santa, at the current gatherings. It's a wide age span from the oldest to the youngest of the sixteen cousins in our family. I am the third oldest cousin and Alise is the youngest. In fact, she just turned twenty-one last month.
One particular Christmas, many, many years ago, my sister, Stacy, showed up with a rattlesnake kit. Just for those outside of Louisville, a rattlesnake here is not the same drink in Ohio (or anywhere else it seems.)
Stacy started making them for my aunts who started shooting them. Soon they were doing this with their hands behind their back and picking up a shot class with just their mouth and throwing them back. This particular way of drinking shots is cleverly called a blow job.
My cousin Alise was three years old at the time and watched this as it occurred. She decided, at the age of three, she wanted to imitate them, but she didn't have a drink, so she went under the sink and got her bubbles. You know bubbles, they are outdoor bubbles with the little ring that kids dip in the soap and blow through to get bubbles to come out.
She did a couple shots, picking it up with just her mouth and swigging the soap back with her hands behind her back, just like her aunts. Someone saw this, it might have been me actually, and took the bubbles away. Realizing it was soap made me gag.
Hell, I am gagging as I type this.
At that point, Edith or myself picked her up and held her over the sink giving her water as we were unsure of whether she drank any.
Watching her do the blow job style of drinking shots though, I'm pretty sure there's a Mastercard commercial in there somewhere with the tagline "Priceless."
Then she threw up bubbles. Everywhere.
She was foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog.
Now that I think about it, I wasn't holding her because I can't handle vomit. Every time I think about holding up a friend from high school or college as they threw up, I feel a little sick.
She got sick a couple times in the sink and that marked the end of the aunts drinking shots like that in front of Alise. I can only assume she never drank bubbles again after that. I can't imagine she even wanted to play with them again.
And rattlesnake kits have been banned from the Harrison Christmas party since.
Every year, the family gathers at Donald and Edith's house for the celebration. We're talking 50 to 60 people, not counting Santa, at the current gatherings. It's a wide age span from the oldest to the youngest of the sixteen cousins in our family. I am the third oldest cousin and Alise is the youngest. In fact, she just turned twenty-one last month.
One particular Christmas, many, many years ago, my sister, Stacy, showed up with a rattlesnake kit. Just for those outside of Louisville, a rattlesnake here is not the same drink in Ohio (or anywhere else it seems.)
Stacy started making them for my aunts who started shooting them. Soon they were doing this with their hands behind their back and picking up a shot class with just their mouth and throwing them back. This particular way of drinking shots is cleverly called a blow job.
My cousin Alise was three years old at the time and watched this as it occurred. She decided, at the age of three, she wanted to imitate them, but she didn't have a drink, so she went under the sink and got her bubbles. You know bubbles, they are outdoor bubbles with the little ring that kids dip in the soap and blow through to get bubbles to come out.
She did a couple shots, picking it up with just her mouth and swigging the soap back with her hands behind her back, just like her aunts. Someone saw this, it might have been me actually, and took the bubbles away. Realizing it was soap made me gag.
Hell, I am gagging as I type this.
At that point, Edith or myself picked her up and held her over the sink giving her water as we were unsure of whether she drank any.
Watching her do the blow job style of drinking shots though, I'm pretty sure there's a Mastercard commercial in there somewhere with the tagline "Priceless."
Then she threw up bubbles. Everywhere.
She was foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog.
Now that I think about it, I wasn't holding her because I can't handle vomit. Every time I think about holding up a friend from high school or college as they threw up, I feel a little sick.
She got sick a couple times in the sink and that marked the end of the aunts drinking shots like that in front of Alise. I can only assume she never drank bubbles again after that. I can't imagine she even wanted to play with them again.
And rattlesnake kits have been banned from the Harrison Christmas party since.
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