White House begins selling naming rights to National Monuments

In a move to try and refill the money taken from Social Security over the last several decades and prevent the inevitable bankruptcy of the retirement plan, the Unites States of America has announced they are selling the naming rights of our monuments.

YUM! foods spokesperson Dean Warner stood side by side with the President of the Unites States as the two closed a deal to rename "The Liberty Bell" to "The Taco Bell Liberty Bell."

"This is a huge opportunity for us to spread our brand name to people in America who may not have heard of Taco Bell."

"This is a wonderful opportunity for businesses to advertise as we follow the same business plan of many arenas and stadiums that sold their naming rights to raise revenue," said the President.

He added with a wink of an eye, "The next ceremony is going to be announced this evening, so I don't want to steal the thunder, but I think all Americans will be excited to see who bought the naming rights to the Jefferson McMorial."

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs answered questions after the ceremony, in particular, some of the corporations the White House is courting.

"We would love to be able to sell the naming rights to Mammoth Cave to Vagisil. It seems like a perfect fit to us. And the Grand Canyon, the biggest crack in the earth, we are hoping to talk Preparation H regarding naming rights."

Judge blocks President Obama's Moratorium on Elephant Ears

In a victory for elephant ear proponents, a federal judge struck down President Obama's six-month moratorium on elephant ears.

The White House has promised an appeal.  The President has also mentioned his plan to appoint an Elephant Ear Czar to nationalize the creation of elephant ears across the country.

The Interior Department originally halted new permits for elephant ear stands at state fairs across the country, on the grounds that they are breaking the backs of the people on main street by selling expensive, sweet treats for higher profit margins than even wall street or oil companies can make.

"We must stop these evil people from profiting at higher margins than everyone else," said the President.  "Profits lead to the economy moving, that leads to higher taxes paid as the economy picks up and that leads to the Dark Side of the free market working!  We cannot allow a free market to prosper!"

Henry Stoops, recently back from the Marshfield Fair had this to say:

"A Sausage sandwich w/ peppers and onions cost four dollars, while a piece of fried dough costs $5.  FIVE dollars!!! For a quarter's worth of dough that's been fried in a nickel's worth of hot oil, then drizzled with a dime's worth of butter and sprinkled with 3 pennies worth of powdered sugar and cinnamon.  The president has to do something about this!"

Said liberal Sue Wells, "Oh my God!  These people are making money and they like it!  They must be evil Tea Party people or Republicans!"

A rally is being planned to protest the elephant ear stand across the nation during the state fairs that run during the summer.

Said Republican Senator Mitch McConnell, "God dammit, they better not take away elephant ears!  I love to have that fried dough at our fine Kentucky State Fair."

The leading opponent of the elephant ears, Nancy Pelosi, chimed in:

"Some things we can do on the side which may not fit into a bigger plan. That doesn't mean that is a substitute for doing comprehensive elephant ear reform. It means we will move on many fronts, any front we can...We will block the gate. If the gate is open, we will put up a fence. If the fence is climbed, we will put an invisible force field around it. If that doesn't work, we will use a Jedi mind trick and tell them this is not the elephant ear they are looking for. But we are going to get elephant ear reform passed."