Halloween 2007

I found a story regarding Halloween night in 2007. This year I will be at Lyle and Chandra's handing candy out as I did last year. I wish I had the other Halloween stories I have posted over the years (2005, 2006, 2008,) but they have been lost somewhere along the way.

***

A Couplet of Halloween Haiku by Bryon Jordan

Not all kids are cute
Ugly kids need candy, too.
Your face stopped my watch.

I was very bad
I gave all these kids candy.
I am a stranger

***

For my third consecutive year, I handed out candy to the dozens and dozens of princesses, butterflies, frogs, ladybugs, knights (there were several this year,) and other creatures of the night in my little section of the neighborhood. My first year I had about 275 kids; last year it was chilly and I had 225 to 245.

I kept an accurate tally this year; 232 kids. I am not kidding. That is not an exaggeration or misprint. I really wanted to take pictures of some of the costumes to forward to folks with this email, but I also don't want to end up on a government website.

My suspicion is they continue to be shipped in from other parts of Union County directly to my neighborhood. Some of the kids were missing teeth and I don't think it is solely from candy rotting them.

The first semi-decent costumes were of a dad with his three kids dressed as the Big Bad Wolf and the Three Little Pigs. Also in the first 40 minutes I saw a little boy dressed as Donald Duck, an older boy dressed as a baseball player that had a baseball lodged in his cheek and blood on his face (a Tony Conigliaro outfit if I ever saw one,) one boy dressed like Gilligan and there was an Elvis who collected his loot in a guitar case.

The worst costume of the first 40 minute segment was a boy dressed as a girl. I told him he was going to spend years in therapy.

I also saw the Asshole of the year. He was across the street walking with his son who was taking forever (the boy was three or so) and he actually raised his voice at the child to move it or they were going home. He probably would've been better off not trying to also walk his dog at the same time, but guys do like to kill two birds with one stone. I felt bad for the little boy. His dad should have pulled him in a wagon instead.

The second 40 minutes was lively.

My neighbors across the street had a set up of Scooby and the gang. There were holes in the setup for the kids to stick their faces through and parents were all snapping the photos of their kids over there.

The highlight of the night was a cute little girl as a lady bug. Her mom was so hot. Not model hot, just regular hot mom. Wow. If only she were in a Bat-Girl costume (inside joke.)

There was a little boy dressed as a monkey that also comes to mind. It was a great costume. I threw poo at him.

The "I-ain't-buying-it" costume of the night was a 11 or 12 year old boy dressed as a cowboy and he was using a pottery barn bag to collect the candy. Poor kid can't figure it out himself and I didn't want to out him in front of his friends.

At this point I called my mom. They had 12 kids total at the Florida house. My dad, who I called next, spent $40.00 in candy and had 1 kid at this point in Kentucky. I was up to 160 by this point. I may need to hire help next year. (My help from last year and I are no longer seeing each other.)

The last 30 minutes (I stopped at 7:50) was a blur as it got cold. A little boy in a stroller made for a cute tiger. A little girl was a frog. The frog tried to pick my daylily. I took my candy back from her. It was a pretty daylily after all.

The worst costume of the night came after the kids were off the street. A 14 year old boy (or thereabouts) dressed as a ballerina in something that would be too short and disturbing for porn. He had me howling with laughter though as he was walking away from his friends, offered them their "last chance to see it" and then flashed a nipple at them. A joke regarding sausage and pepperoni followed. I can't help it. It was funny and I am a guy. The costume though will haunt me forever. I think I need therapy after seeing it.

Considering the volume of kids I get every year, next year I will outsource Halloween to India.