All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel;
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun,
Pop! goes the weasel.
Prologue #1
When I was a kid, I had a creepy little metal jack in the box. The "Jack" was a clownish looking court jester that popped out. I remember it was fairly creepy looking and I remember I could turn the arm to stop one note short so all it took was a slight touch to get that thing to jump out.
Prologue #2
Those five people who may have read old stories on here may recall I am not a fan of clowns.
The horror of clowns even made for a creepy episode of Supernatural where they were hunting an evil clown spirit.
Dean Winchester: I know what you're thinking Sam. Why did it have to be clowns?
Sam Winchester: Oh, give me a break.
Dean Winchester: You didn't think I remember, do you? Come on, you still bust out crying when you see Ronald McDonald on the television.
Sam Winchester: At least I'm not afraid of flying.
Dean Winchester: Planes crash!
Sam Winchester: And apparently clowns kill.
Christmas Eve Morning
I walked up to my mom's front porch on Christmas Eve morning. She was expecting me to stop by. As I walked up, I saw Fed Ex had left a package on the doorstep. I brought it in with me as I walked in.
She was busy baking in preparation for Christmas Eve at my brother's house.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It was on the front porch. Fed Ex left it."
"Oh.... Wait! I know what that is. You have to open it."
I looked and noticed it was sent to me.
"Madison sent it to you for Christmas."
After I opened the cardboard box, I removed the paper and saw a painted clown on a metal box. I knew immediately she sent me a jack in the box.
Mom stood there laughing.
"This is wrong," I said as I pulled it out.
It was creepy. It was well detailed and had the little metal arm to turn.
"You have to play it!" mom said. She clearly knew it was coming for me and she was way too excited to see me react to it.
So I set it down and as I wound the arm, it played "Pop Goes the Weasel." There was a creepiness as I turned it when all of a sudden the box whispers, "Come closer."
I stopped turning it.
"What the ****?"
Mom was laughing. "Keep going."
I start it again and the child-like creepy voice again says, "Come Closer." That was followed by, "I have a secret."
I stopped again. "This is wrong."
"Keep going!" she said laughing.
I turned it some more. "Come closer," it whispered again.
At the climax, the freakiest freaking clown in the history of clowns pops out and screams, "DID THE LITTLE CLOWN FRIGHTEN YOU? AWWWWW. GO RUN TO YOUR MOMMY!!!!"
This was followed by a hideous laugh.
Christmas Eve Night
I am hanging at my friend's house and I brought it in for all to see. It was a hit, to the extent that it was the creepiest thing they had EVER seen. They all loved that my goddaughter bought me such an evil gift.
When Adrienne's sister walked in, Wendy prodded me to show Jen. I said, "Are you kidding? I don't want her to scare the clown!"
A Prologue as the Epilogue
My sister walked into the Fed Ex store and wanted to ship the gift to me.
"What is that?" asked the first girl behind the count.
"It's a scary jack in the box for my brother. He's scared of clowns." Just for the record, I am not scared of them, I just do not like them.
The other girl answered. "Wow. It must be really interesting to be in your family."
The first girl spoke again. "Where can I buy one?"
Monday, December 26, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Why We Will Fail as a Society
I was just standing at the Target counter.
I hand the girl $20.00 when I notice the register rang up $5.02.
"Hang on on," I say as I reach into my pocket, "I have two cents."
I pull them out to give her.
"I already rang it up," she tells me.
"This will make the change an even $15.00."
"I can't. I already rang it up."
She's an idiot. I realize I cannot explain something to her as simple as $14.98 + $0.02 = $15.00.
"Can you leave the drawer open and give me a dollar back for a dollar of change?"
"You have to go to the customer service counter to do that."
Are you fucking kidding me? We allow people like this to have minimum power like working at a register?
She has no business being in a position where math is involved.
Target needs to hire smarter people capable of thinking.
I hand the girl $20.00 when I notice the register rang up $5.02.
"Hang on on," I say as I reach into my pocket, "I have two cents."
I pull them out to give her.
"I already rang it up," she tells me.
"This will make the change an even $15.00."
"I can't. I already rang it up."
She's an idiot. I realize I cannot explain something to her as simple as $14.98 + $0.02 = $15.00.
"Can you leave the drawer open and give me a dollar back for a dollar of change?"
"You have to go to the customer service counter to do that."
Are you fucking kidding me? We allow people like this to have minimum power like working at a register?
She has no business being in a position where math is involved.
Target needs to hire smarter people capable of thinking.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Welcome to my Nightmare Before Christmas
School's Out Cincinnati
So I have created a list of things I wanted to do this year and I am so bad about getting around to stuff that I only just completed my first one. And the only reason it got completed was because of my Crazy Friend Erin (tm.)
She became excited and told me, "You need to add Go see Alice Cooper to your list."
Erin is an Alice Cooper fanatic. When she and I reconnected three years ago she pulled a photo album out and there was a picture in thre I had long forgotten. She and her brother Tom went in the 80s to see Alice and they had the face make up on, looking like Alice himself.
"It'll be fun," she told me.
Show a Little Faith, There's Magic in the Nightmare
I rolled late into Cincinnati and stopped in for a burger at Arnold's. It is the oldest standing tavern in Cincinnati as I understand it. I met up with Aaron, Erin and Tom and had a beer as we conversed an ate for an hour before waling over to the Taft Theater.
While I can't go into detail the conversation, I just wish I had a recorder. It was simply funny the entire hour.
But there was a fundamental example of how polar opposite Erin and I are. There was a plump Australian girl walking around the place drunk. The accent was awesome. She was wearing a Mrs. Santa Claus outfit and she was quite lively, chatting up everyone around as she stammered about. She was loud, funny, friendly; and having her come over to our table was the last thing in the world I wanted to happen. The girl made herself the center of attention and all eyes were on on her, wherever she was in the bar. I hate being involved in the center of attention and her coming over would have done that.
Erin says, "Oh my God, we should get our picture taken with her!!!!"
Later we learned she was simply an actress acting drunk for the benefit of a play outside, trying to round up audience members.
At one point Erin excused herself from the table to go to the restroom. She returned with the black makeup on her face, looking like Alice cracking all of us up.
The show was simply amazing. I remembered more songs than I realized from his playbook. And Alice is both a showman and an athlete.
The first half of the set was extremely strong with the opening of "Black Widow" all the way through "Muscle of Love." It ROCKED.
He also had his various props (bringing out the snake, money with his face printed on it, etc.) By the 5th song, I was noticing how sad it was I don't need earplugs as music sounds muffled without them for me. I died little inside.
Anyways the music and the band were very solid on their own, but he added a nice touch with theatrics that he is well known for.
During "No more Mr. Nice Guy," the absolutely normal mother of three was throwing punches towards the stage. I couldn't help but laugh.
During "Halo of Flies," Tom, to my left, was so into it he grabs my left arm using it as a guitar and air guitars along; surreal and funny. It was right after this song that Tom and Erin ran up to the front row and watched the rest of the show there while Aaron and I enjoyed it from a distance.
1. The Black Widow
2. Brutal Planet
3. I'm Eighteen
4. Under My Wheels
5. Billion Dollar Babies (Alice Cooper cash went everywhere as he swung it off what looked like a fencing sword)
6. No More Mr. Nice Guy
7. Hey Stoopid
8. Is It My Body (brought out the snake)
9. Halo of Flies
10. I'll Bite Off Your Face
11. Muscle of Love.
My only complaint at this point was Alice shaking macaranas during "Muscle of Love." That does not really define "badass," Alice. I looked it up and verified it.
Then again, neither does a guy having the name "Alice," but up to this point, he was a badass showman on stage.
There were two songs in the middle that really did not do it for me.
12. Only Women Bleed
13. Cold Ethyl
Maybe it was the prop of the ragdoll manniquin woman, but it was a bit creepy as he tossed it around an then later kissed it.
During the show, the entire stage was decorated like a European Castle with a couple effigies hanging and I thought of Dracula for some misguided reason as the 2nd half of the set hit a peak with "Frankenstein." The ending had a 12 foot tall Frankenstein on stage. It was campy, amazing and awesome.
He brought the guillotine out during "Wicked Young Man" and (Kids - do not try this at home!) simulated his head getting chopped off.
"School's Out" also featured a verse of "Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall (Part Two)" that blended quite smoothly with his anthem. There were giant balloons and as Alice popped them, confetti flew everywhere.
It ended with him yelling out "School's Out Cincinnati!!!" and an amazing, surreal set came to an end.
The show went through the roof and ended with an amazing version of "Elected" with Alice saying he would run as a representative of "The Wild Party!"
14. Feed My Frankenstein
15. Clones
16. Poison
17. Wicked Young Man
18. Killer
19. I Love the Dead
20. School's Out (w/ Another Brick in the Wall)
21. Elected
The drive home was about 80 minutes.
I even saw a shooting star right before I hit exit 22 on I-71.
Erin told me to add Alice Cooper to my list. She was right.
So I have created a list of things I wanted to do this year and I am so bad about getting around to stuff that I only just completed my first one. And the only reason it got completed was because of my Crazy Friend Erin (tm.)
She became excited and told me, "You need to add Go see Alice Cooper to your list."
Erin is an Alice Cooper fanatic. When she and I reconnected three years ago she pulled a photo album out and there was a picture in thre I had long forgotten. She and her brother Tom went in the 80s to see Alice and they had the face make up on, looking like Alice himself.
"It'll be fun," she told me.
Show a Little Faith, There's Magic in the Nightmare
I rolled late into Cincinnati and stopped in for a burger at Arnold's. It is the oldest standing tavern in Cincinnati as I understand it. I met up with Aaron, Erin and Tom and had a beer as we conversed an ate for an hour before waling over to the Taft Theater.
While I can't go into detail the conversation, I just wish I had a recorder. It was simply funny the entire hour.
But there was a fundamental example of how polar opposite Erin and I are. There was a plump Australian girl walking around the place drunk. The accent was awesome. She was wearing a Mrs. Santa Claus outfit and she was quite lively, chatting up everyone around as she stammered about. She was loud, funny, friendly; and having her come over to our table was the last thing in the world I wanted to happen. The girl made herself the center of attention and all eyes were on on her, wherever she was in the bar. I hate being involved in the center of attention and her coming over would have done that.
Erin says, "Oh my God, we should get our picture taken with her!!!!"
Later we learned she was simply an actress acting drunk for the benefit of a play outside, trying to round up audience members.
At one point Erin excused herself from the table to go to the restroom. She returned with the black makeup on her face, looking like Alice cracking all of us up.
The show was simply amazing. I remembered more songs than I realized from his playbook. And Alice is both a showman and an athlete.
The first half of the set was extremely strong with the opening of "Black Widow" all the way through "Muscle of Love." It ROCKED.
He also had his various props (bringing out the snake, money with his face printed on it, etc.) By the 5th song, I was noticing how sad it was I don't need earplugs as music sounds muffled without them for me. I died little inside.
Anyways the music and the band were very solid on their own, but he added a nice touch with theatrics that he is well known for.
During "No more Mr. Nice Guy," the absolutely normal mother of three was throwing punches towards the stage. I couldn't help but laugh.
During "Halo of Flies," Tom, to my left, was so into it he grabs my left arm using it as a guitar and air guitars along; surreal and funny. It was right after this song that Tom and Erin ran up to the front row and watched the rest of the show there while Aaron and I enjoyed it from a distance.
1. The Black Widow
2. Brutal Planet
3. I'm Eighteen
4. Under My Wheels
5. Billion Dollar Babies (Alice Cooper cash went everywhere as he swung it off what looked like a fencing sword)
6. No More Mr. Nice Guy
7. Hey Stoopid
8. Is It My Body (brought out the snake)
9. Halo of Flies
10. I'll Bite Off Your Face
11. Muscle of Love.
My only complaint at this point was Alice shaking macaranas during "Muscle of Love." That does not really define "badass," Alice. I looked it up and verified it.
Then again, neither does a guy having the name "Alice," but up to this point, he was a badass showman on stage.
There were two songs in the middle that really did not do it for me.
12. Only Women Bleed
13. Cold Ethyl
Maybe it was the prop of the ragdoll manniquin woman, but it was a bit creepy as he tossed it around an then later kissed it.
During the show, the entire stage was decorated like a European Castle with a couple effigies hanging and I thought of Dracula for some misguided reason as the 2nd half of the set hit a peak with "Frankenstein." The ending had a 12 foot tall Frankenstein on stage. It was campy, amazing and awesome.
He brought the guillotine out during "Wicked Young Man" and (Kids - do not try this at home!) simulated his head getting chopped off.
"School's Out" also featured a verse of "Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall (Part Two)" that blended quite smoothly with his anthem. There were giant balloons and as Alice popped them, confetti flew everywhere.
It ended with him yelling out "School's Out Cincinnati!!!" and an amazing, surreal set came to an end.
The show went through the roof and ended with an amazing version of "Elected" with Alice saying he would run as a representative of "The Wild Party!"
14. Feed My Frankenstein
15. Clones
16. Poison
17. Wicked Young Man
18. Killer
19. I Love the Dead
20. School's Out (w/ Another Brick in the Wall)
21. Elected
The drive home was about 80 minutes.
I even saw a shooting star right before I hit exit 22 on I-71.
Erin told me to add Alice Cooper to my list. She was right.
Friday, December 2, 2011
The House of Mouse
Back in December of 1991, I was living in downtown Dayton, just North of the Little Miami River that cuts through the city. It was a small area of homes just on the back end of Hugh White Honda on Linwood Street.
I was working for Cap Gemini America and had a small three room apartment in a house that was built in the late 1800s or early 1900s. The house had a lot of character. I had the upper left apartment. Hannah lived across the hall from me on what was the other half of the second floor. She was an older lady, in her mid 70s, who had a nephew that stopped in weekly to check up on her.
As the weather got colder and living by the river, I was shocked to learn that mice had found their way into the house to seek warmth. It made sense though, a really old house likely has all sorts of ways that mice can get in.
The two neighbors downstairs included a young couple who had an annoying dog and my friends Ivan and Ivana. I have to call them that because they get angry when I write stories about them with their given names of Chris and Cindy. Both sets of neighbors had cats, which meant, they were mouse free. That left myself and Hannah to handle MouseQuest 1991 on our own.
I bought some mousetraps at Meijers late that Saturday night and set the first on at 12:45 Sunday afternoon. I settled into the ugly gray chair to watch my Bengals and I remember what a sunny day it was.
Right at 1:00, I heard a snap in the kitchen and it was so loud and out of the norm, I lept out of the chair wondering, "What the Hell was that?" Then I remembered I set a trap!
I ran into the kitchen and saw the most incredible sight. A mouse with the torso the size of my fist - I am NOT kidding - was trying his damndest to drag the mouse trap that snapped across his body back under the stove. This was the toughest freaking mouse I have ever seen. This was a rodent of unusual size and determinization.
He got under there before I could stop him, but he soon succummbed to his life altering injuries. I got a wire coat hanger and was able to fish him out.
I set the second trap moments later, placed it in the kitchen floor and went back to watch my Bengals.
At 1:15, I heard another SNAP!
This one died immediately.
I set the third trap.
At 1:30, like clockwork, SNAP!!!!! One of them was a really creepy looking two toned fuzzy mouse and there was a pool of blood on the trap and floor.
I set the fourth trap.
At 2:00, I was 4 for 4.
The mice were gradually getting smaller and taking longer and longer between catches as I wrangled 6 of them by the end of the game. That was all I caught as I think they renamed my apartment to Mousedor.
One does not simply scurry into Mousedor.
I scared the Hell out of Ivana when she took the lid off the garbage can and saw a mouse in there Monday morning. I was told by her to dispose of them in a better method going forward.
Later that week, Ivan and I were talking with Hannah. She always seemed to be such a nice and gentle elderly lady.
A mouse had fallen into her tub that week and she didn't know what to do.
She then told us a story that horrified me to this day.
The mouse could not get out of the tub and she was not about to just pick it up, so she needed to kill it the only way she could think of. She boiled a pot of water and killed it by pouring the boiling water and bleach on the mouse.
I learned that day from Hannah that a mouse is capable of screaming.
I always wondered if Hannah was a Nazi interogater in hiding after that day.
The mice did not ever come back into the house with the cats down stairs, the experienced mouse hunter in the top left and the Nazi torturer in the top right.
Word was out in the mouse community and they stayed clear of the House of Horrors.
I was working for Cap Gemini America and had a small three room apartment in a house that was built in the late 1800s or early 1900s. The house had a lot of character. I had the upper left apartment. Hannah lived across the hall from me on what was the other half of the second floor. She was an older lady, in her mid 70s, who had a nephew that stopped in weekly to check up on her.
As the weather got colder and living by the river, I was shocked to learn that mice had found their way into the house to seek warmth. It made sense though, a really old house likely has all sorts of ways that mice can get in.
The two neighbors downstairs included a young couple who had an annoying dog and my friends Ivan and Ivana. I have to call them that because they get angry when I write stories about them with their given names of Chris and Cindy. Both sets of neighbors had cats, which meant, they were mouse free. That left myself and Hannah to handle MouseQuest 1991 on our own.
I bought some mousetraps at Meijers late that Saturday night and set the first on at 12:45 Sunday afternoon. I settled into the ugly gray chair to watch my Bengals and I remember what a sunny day it was.
Right at 1:00, I heard a snap in the kitchen and it was so loud and out of the norm, I lept out of the chair wondering, "What the Hell was that?" Then I remembered I set a trap!
I ran into the kitchen and saw the most incredible sight. A mouse with the torso the size of my fist - I am NOT kidding - was trying his damndest to drag the mouse trap that snapped across his body back under the stove. This was the toughest freaking mouse I have ever seen. This was a rodent of unusual size and determinization.
He got under there before I could stop him, but he soon succummbed to his life altering injuries. I got a wire coat hanger and was able to fish him out.
I set the second trap moments later, placed it in the kitchen floor and went back to watch my Bengals.
At 1:15, I heard another SNAP!
This one died immediately.
I set the third trap.
At 1:30, like clockwork, SNAP!!!!! One of them was a really creepy looking two toned fuzzy mouse and there was a pool of blood on the trap and floor.
I set the fourth trap.
At 2:00, I was 4 for 4.
The mice were gradually getting smaller and taking longer and longer between catches as I wrangled 6 of them by the end of the game. That was all I caught as I think they renamed my apartment to Mousedor.
One does not simply scurry into Mousedor.
I scared the Hell out of Ivana when she took the lid off the garbage can and saw a mouse in there Monday morning. I was told by her to dispose of them in a better method going forward.
Later that week, Ivan and I were talking with Hannah. She always seemed to be such a nice and gentle elderly lady.
A mouse had fallen into her tub that week and she didn't know what to do.
She then told us a story that horrified me to this day.
The mouse could not get out of the tub and she was not about to just pick it up, so she needed to kill it the only way she could think of. She boiled a pot of water and killed it by pouring the boiling water and bleach on the mouse.
I learned that day from Hannah that a mouse is capable of screaming.
I always wondered if Hannah was a Nazi interogater in hiding after that day.
The mice did not ever come back into the house with the cats down stairs, the experienced mouse hunter in the top left and the Nazi torturer in the top right.
Word was out in the mouse community and they stayed clear of the House of Horrors.
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