News from around Fern Creek

It was an exciting week this week in Fern Creek.

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I received news this week from Uncle Dewaine that he has taken over the publishing and editorials of Buzzardbait, Kentucky's newspaper, The Curious Urinal.  Looks like that 8th grade diploma has taken him to new heights.  Dewaine was really excited because it moves him into the top ten celebrities in Buzzardbait for the first time.  He sits behind other notables as Mayor Ted Sizemore and Haggerty's bleeding scarecrow.  Dewaine hopes to use his new status to spread awareness of Pink Eye.

***

In Fern Creek, local mail room worker Happy Johnson was truly disappointed upon learning that the new claims examiner at Floyds Fork Insurance was not actually a redhead.

"When I first saw her, she looked really cute," he said, "but once I found out it was really brown, she looked a lot less cute."

Amanda Dearborn-Graves was also overheard in conversation with Happy, "She doesn't have red hair? Really?"

The news has shaken the various employees in Grigsby's Business buiding on Bardstown Road. Dr. Robert Johnson has stopped saying "Good Morning" to her once he realized she had brown hair. "With brown hair, she looks just like every other woman in the city."

***

Southbound Bardstown Road has reopened South of Seatonville Road. It was closed earlier this morning when a bull broke loose from a local farm and tried to mount a 1976 VW bug. When the passenger emerged from the bug, the bull thought it was a calf and then tried to kill it.

***

Here's this week's church bulletin from St. Sorrows Catholic church.

On Saturday, Andrea Johnson was baptized and brought into our church.

On Sunday, Ezra Johnson passed away. Viewing is on Monday and his burial is to be held on Tuesday. His soul will enter Heaven on Friday provided his family pays the stipend to the church to forgive his various sins.

Father O'Malley will be interviewing new alter boys for Sunday Mass on Friday when the protection order expires.

The Cub Scouts are having a newspaper drive. Money will be use to help cripple children.

Lasagna story #2

As an adult it was sometimes very difficult to talk with the kids on the phone. Madison and Calvin both had a habit after about two minutes of asking me the same question over and over.

"What are you doing?"

My humor fell on the wrong set of ears when I'd reply, "Talking to you!"

After having gotten in on an early Saturday night and knowing they were in town with Grandma, I called home and spoke with Madison to see how she was. No less than 45 seconds into the conversation that same question once came up.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

This time I thought I'd tell her what I was planning for the next day.

"Well, tomorrow I am going to watch the Kentucky/Florida basketball game. Do you remember ever watching basketball with grandpa?" It was the senior game for the Wildcats and fans would be saying good-bye to four seniors, so I made it the centerpiece of the weekend.

"Yes," she answered.

"Then after the game, a friend of mine is coming over to teach me how to make lasagna."

Madison replied in a condescending tone with some surprise in her voice, "You don't know how to make lasagna?" I was a little taken aback. Did she just assume that everyone knows how to make lasagna?

"Well, do you know how to make lasagna?" I shot back.

Her next comment left me momentarily perplexed.

"Did you forget that I am only five?"

"No, what are you ..." And then I realized what she was doing. "Madison ... are you making fun of me?"

"Are you mocking me?" she asked in that same tone.

"Put your mom back on the phone."

Sis got on the phone and I told her the story of what happened.

"You don't know how to make lasagna?" she asked me.

What is wrong with America?

I have figured out what is wrong with the world today, or more specifically, the US. It’s not politics, it's not the economy, it's not racism and it's not too much violence.

The problem is that when it's May and its 48 degrees outside with rain falling, you can't buy a coat.

We’ve all heard the boring comedy routine of why women love to shop and men do not, but the plain simple truth is men do not want to go to four different stores in an hour to find a simple article of clothing. It is because we have to, that we hate shopping.

I last had a Spring coat three years ago. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think I have ever bought a coat. I always got coats on my birthday (summer) or at Christmas. Several years ago, after getting a coat every year for about five years, I actually asked my mom to stop buying them because I had too many. When I moved 12 days ago, I still had a Winter coat (with a badly torn pocket thanks to a door at Gerlach Hall snagging it) that I left behind in Kentucky while I wrap up my project in Ohio.

I spent my lunch today going to stores trying to find a Spring coat while all the stores insisted on selling summer clothes when it’s 48 degrees out and raining.

Wal-Mart was a complete bust, but I could buy swimming trunks, but this was not surprising. You can’t even find gloves or boots in Wal-Mart in February... in Ohio … with 33 inches of snow on the ground.

The workers at Target thought I was crazy. "It's summer," they insisted.

"It's 45 degrees outside! It's not summer." Summer as I knew it growing up was June, July and August. This new arrangement of May not being in the Spring must've been snuck in with the new math where two plus two equals five for large values of two.

I asked them where I could go to find a coat and they directed me to Old Navy or Dick’s Sporting Goods.

I was so desperate I entered an Old Navy store hoping to find one. I dislike Old Navy because, as a man, I cannot tell if I am in the men’s section or the women’s section. The girl walked over seeing I was completely lost and I blurted out, “I need help,” before she could even offer to help me. She went into the back room and found the only coat they had. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen.

I could have bought gender neutral flip flops and Bermuda shorts if I wanted too. Why do people keep Old Navy in business? Seriously?

My kingdom for a windbreaker!

Thankfully, a friend directed me to Buckeye Corner where I bought and OSU jacket. As an added bonus, it was 30% off. Apparently they are trying to make room for the summer fashions.

I told the girl my story and she was just as dumbfounded as well. She told me she tried to buy sweatpants at Target last week and was told they are not in season. When do sweatpants go “out of season?”

I got back and told of Scott of my aggravating adventure, henceforth known as CoatQuest 2010. Scott felt my pain, but in a worse way. He and Libby try to buy Winter clothes for kids that may outgrow them before Winter arrives. And once Winter is here, no one is selling Winter clothes.

I expect one day the clothes lead will lap itself a couple times and people will be heard to say in Spring 2016, “Those clothes are so Summer 2017 because the Fall 2018 clothes are on sale now!”

Allergies and 'Roid Rage

Three summers ago, I finally went to see a doctor about the pain in my shoulder that had affected me for two years. After an MRI, it turned out I had arthritis, bursitis and tendinitis in various places in that shoulder. This wasn't very surprising as my dad had the exact same thing. Before I began physical therapy, I was given a steroid treatment (prednisone) to help it heal.

I had no side effects from taking this medication.

The next year, I ended up with a case of contact dermatitis on my face. The doctor diagnosed it as an allergy and gave me a round of this same steroid. I actually had a side affect this time, suffering a severely upset stomach.

The next year, I determined my allergy to be one of two things as I narrowed down the cause from the previous year - either aloe or mangos. This was a tricky elimination and caused me to have to go on this steroid on three occasions.

The first time was when I learned the affect that a steroid could have on someone and was very careful the next two times to monitor my excitability.

I've never been a violent person. I've never been one who felt the need to provoke someone or get up into their face to prove anything. About the fourth day of treatment, I was walking through the Wendy's parking lot on 5th street in Marysville when I saw a pickup truck with a vanity license plate.

I don't recall the plate now, but I walked slowly, reading it, running the first few letters in my head (the last three letters were "FAN.") I never noticed someone was sitting in the cab of the truck, but to this day, I swear that piece of trailer trash uttered, "Yeah, you keep walkin'," as I walked past.

I took one step and registered what he said and I turned around and quite loudly said, "I'm sorry! Did you say something to me?"

I got a surprised look back. "Uh, no."

It was this steroid running through me and I found myself not backing down.

"Oh, as I was walking by, I would've sworn I heard you say something!" I don't know if it was the steroid or hunger making me shake a little.

"I didn't say anything."

And there I was, standing there ready to pummel some redneck in a pick up in the middle of the Wendy's parking lot.

I noticed he had a woman and a child in the car with him. Perhaps he wanted to appear to be an Alpha male in front of his woman and that was why he uttered the comment or perhaps he didn't like the fact that I slowed down to read his license plate as I passed. Or maybe I imagined it all, but I swear he said it.

I realized in that moment I was flying a little out of control. I reigned it in and lowered my voice. "I was reading your license plate. What does it mean?"

He explained, without making much eye contact, that he was the fan of a band for whom the first few letters stood for.

I regained my control and said, "oh," then I walked into Wendy's to get some food. Disaster averted.

Later I was talking with my mom about what had happened. It's difficult to explain how out of control I felt and I was glad nothing came of it. As she pointed out, the last thing he would want to do is start a fight with a black belt doped up on steroids.

I had always heard of "'Roid Rage" and I experienced it first hand with a written prescription. It's scary to imagine being out of control like that.

The next two times on the prescription, I focused on maintaining control and never had an issue.