The Milk Guy

Back in July 1994, I was really not pleased with the job that had moved me to Columbus. I had gotten a call from Ted about coming down to Vandalia and doing something with him and Chelle, so I jumped at the chance to get out of town for a night.

I had gone to college with both of them and I knew Ted really well. He was quite funny and quite obnoxious in college, but once he met Chelle, that seemed to change him a lot. As it was, I became decent friends with Chelle in college as well. By this time, a few years later, we were on good terms and she was not like a couple of the other girlfriends of my friends that did not seem to like me so much.

I pulled into the cul-de-sac and parked in front of the house. Chelle answered the door and invited me in.

"Can I get you something to drink?" she asked.

"What do you have?"

"We have water, iced tea, Diet Pepsi and milk. But, the milk expires today, so it's probably not any good."

"Actually," I answered, "that's just the date the store can't sell it after. It's probably still good for a couple days." I think I drank iced tea.

We were sitting out on the couch for about 15 minutes talking before Ted pulled in.

He walked into the house and she got up to greet him. These two were in love, their wedding was scheduled the next month, the day before or after my birthday as I recall.

After Ted said "Hi" to me and sat down, she offered to get him something to drink.

"What do we have?" he asked.

"We have water, iced tea, Diet Pepsi and milk. But, the milk expires today, so it's probably not any good." She may have said it verbatim to what she told me.

"Actually," Ted replied, "the milk's still good, they just can't sell it after that date."

Ted was from Jersey and Chelle was from Ohio.  Even though they both spoke English (Ted was also fluent in Polish as well) sometimes things got lost in translation. Ted and Mike Ferrari were the first exposure for me of people from New Jersey. Ted sometimes could come across obnoxious and I don't think that was his intention to come across that way towards Shelley, but I think she took his tone to be talking down to her. The next year or so when I would visit, I learned that I had this amazing power of Ted that I never knew I had. I could turn him from the Ted that Shelley had known into the Ted I had known in college. Not a good thing seven weeks before a wedding as it would turn out.

Shelley did not immediately say anything in reaction to what Ted said, but as she walked into the kitchen, Ted did make a comment laughing. It was nothing bad, just a typical Ted comment as I can recall.

She walked back in while he and I were continuing to talk and handed him something to drink and walked back into the kitchen without saying a word. A moment later, she walked out with a bag of garbage and went into the garage, slamming the door behind her. We could hear her slamming the metal garbage can around in the garage. She was making a lot of noise.

Ted and I looked at each other with a look of surprise on both our faces.

"Is she mad?" I asked.

"I don't know. I don't know what I did."

Across the cul-de-sac, we heard a car door slam.

"Wow," I said. "She's like a ventriloquist, making noises across the street."

Ted picked the wrong moment to start laughing because that was the moment she walked back in while he was laughing at my idiotic comment.

It pissed her off even more and she stormed off into the kitchen thinking he was laughing at her.

"Oh my God," Ted said.

I was not sure what to say when she entered the room again.

"Honey, are you mad?" he asked.

She looks at me and says, "I really hate it when he is such an ASSHOLE to me in front of his friends."

I tried to make light of the moment. "C'mon Shelley, it's just me. It's not like Ted and I are close friends."

She walked back into the kitchen. After a few moments, Ted says, "I guess I better assume the position."

He stands up, puts his head down as though he acknowledges he did something wrong ad purposely and hysterically slinks behind the couch and towards the kitchen. Ted delivered it well because I was laughing and I really could not stop. By the time he got to the kitchen, he was walking normal and he disappeared into the room.

After a few minutes of sitting on the couch by myself, I got up and walked into the kitchen. Shelley was sitting at the table with her back to the entrance turning the newspaper. While I am no expert with a woman's mood, she was clearly not in a good one and I'll leave it at that. I did not see Ted until I walked past her. He had the refrigerator door opened and he was bent down like he was getting something out of the fridge. There was no way Chelle could see him, but I could.

He had the milk out with the lid off and he was looking at me with a huge grin, holding it under his nose, pretending to smell the milk to see if it was good.

I absolutely lost it. I walked out of the kitchen laughing and I felt terrible to do so because my intention was not to laugh at her expense, but somehow I seemed to bring the Asshole Persona out of Ted.

At some point after she stopped fuming, we went out and had dinner and we saw "Ace Venture."  Dinner went smooth except for when Ted joked with the waitress he would like milk to drink, but we calmed her down quickly.

Later that night, she got up to get ready for bed.

"Bryon, if you get up before us, I placed a towel and washrag out for you on the counter.  I also put out a spare toothbrush in case you forgot yours.  I always have these trips to Japan, so I have a bunch of extras in case I forget mine."

"I should be fine.  I think I have everything."

"If you get hungry before we are up, there's bread to make toast, we have pop tarts and there's cereal on the fridge."

Without any thought, I suddenly blurted out, "But Shelley, there's no milk because you threw it out because it expired today."

She was standing there, mouth open, completely stunned and incredulous I said it.  I didn't let it die.  Ted was laughing himself sick.  Without a word, she turned and marched into their bedroom.

"Shelley, I had to say it!  If I didn't Ted would have and he'd be out here on the sofa bed with me!"

The next morning, I woke up before them.  I left a note to thank them.

I thanked them both for a night away from my issues in Columbus.  I told Ted I would see him when he came to Columbus for the Mellencamp concert the week before his wedding and I told Chelle I would see her at the wedding.

I told Chelle not to be so hard on Ted for him reverting back to the Ted I knew in college.  He is a much better since the two of them have been dating and she was the reason for that.

I ended the letter with "PS: Shelley, you are out of milk."

When I saw Ted at my door the night of the Mellencamp show over a month later with Mike, Chris and the others, the first words out of his mouth were, "That was the funniest [bleeping] letter I ever read."

"Was she mad?" I asked.

"Oh my God!" was all he could answer.

I remember their wedding quite well.  It was at the University of Dayton Chapel and the reception was a lot of fun.  It wasn't until the receiving line as we exited the church and I saw Shelley.  I don't remember exactly what she said, but she was only acting mad and refusing to hug me because she was laughing at the same time.

For gatherings after that, I would learn she told people the story and they were all laughing at it, so she really had seen the humor in it finally.  At parties, when introducing me to a couple of her girlfriends once, she referred to me as "The Milk Guy" and they both reacted, "This is him?  He's the one that did it?"

At a Super Bowl party they hosted before moving away, they pulled it out, having saved it.  I think Ted may be the reason it got saved because I think she would've thrown it away at the first moment if he had let her, but she seemed to get a kick out of it more than him those following years.

Season 2 of TV's "Roommates" - Now available on DVD!

Now available on DVD, it's Season 2 of "Roommates," the show that examines the lives of an average person in Ohio and his new roommate, The Pope.

***

Episode #1 - "Smores and Snipes"

Bryon has to calm the Pope down when he goes on a camping trip with the St. Bernard Cub Scout Pack and the boys take the Pope on a snipe hunt.

Episode #2 - "Who's your daddy?"

Stigmata, the Pope's dog, has puppies and the Pope obsesses on finding the father of the dogs.  Bryon has lunch with the Pope's sister (guest starring Sarah Michelle Gellar) as she is in town for a nun convention.

Episode #3 - "But weight, there's more!"

Bryon keeps adjusting the Pope's scale to make him think he is gaining weight, so the Pope goes on a crash diet.

Episode #4 - "Drowning Nemo"

The Pope discovers his fear of swimming comes from being dunked in the water as an infant during his Baptism, causing him great conflict as he no longer wants to put other children through that ordeal.  Bryon accidentally kills the Pope's goldfish David and replaces him with a similar looking goldfish so the Pontiff does not find out.

Episode #5 - "Movie Madness"

The Pope declares himself a fan of Team Edward while waiting at midnight in line for the new "Eclipse" movie.

Episode #6 - "Lack of Ex-Communication"

When a bad call knocks the Vatican City soccer team out of the World Cup, the Pope banishes all the referees and FIFA representatives from the church.

Episode #7 - "United We Stand..."

A fallout on Facebook forces the Unites States to break away from Rome when the Pope unfriends the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. (Part 1 of 2)

Episode #8 - "... Divided We Fall"

Bryon devises a plan to make it look like the Pope's login was hacked on Facebook to reunite the Church. (Part 2 of 2)

Episode #9 - "The Christmas Special II"

The bank is going to foreclose on the orphanage, but U2 plans a benefit to save it.  The Pope, however, declares, U2's music obscene until Bryon explains that Bono sings "Can you see the beauty inside of me?" and not "Can you see the beauty in sodomy?"  in the song "City of Blinding Lights."

Episode #10 - "Car Talk"

The Pope is protested by a local environmental group over his excessive use of the gas guzzling Pope Mobile, so he goes to the dealership to see if he can trade it in. Bryon steps in just in time to keep him from being talked into buying a Hummer by the two salesmen (Click and Clack Tappet.).  

When Good Intentions Result in Bureaucratic Bullshit

When they outlaw sudafed, only outlaws will have sudafed.

I began my morning by being turned down for the purchase of sudafed at Walmart. No explanation was given. Same thing happened at Meijers.

So I called the Kentucky Drug Control Policy (502-564-9564.)  I was informed I had purchased 4.8 grams in the last 30 days. The limit is 9 grams per 30 day period. They could not explain why I was denied.  

So I called the FDA (888-463-6332.) Thanks to the FDA, I was able to calculate that a box of twenty, 12 hour sudafeds is equal to 2.4 grams.  So by my math, I could purchase 3 boxes per month.  Mathematically speaking, there is no reason why I cannot buy it.  I have up to 4.2 grams I can buy and only wanted 2.4 grams.

The FDA recommended I called the Kentucky Board of Pharmacy (502-564-7910.) I went through their menu and spoke to someone (Darla) and she gave me a phone number for the company that supports Methcheck.   

She explained to me why the law was in place. I told her I don't care about people stupid enough to take drugs that will kill them like crystal meth.  Maybe I am unsympathetic, but I really feel there is a level of self-accountability that everyone should have. 

So I called the number and got a Spanish recording that immediately hung up on me.

I called the Pharmacy Board back and spoke with Brian. He transferred me to the DEA. Well, he actually put me into a voice mail box that finally directed me to hit "0" for assistance. I was then told there was no assistance available and it told me to hang up and call back.

I called the Kentucky Board of Pharmacy a third time in a row. The connected me to the Kentucky Drug Control Policy (502-564-9564) and I spoke with the lady AGAIN who I first spoke with.

I was not impressed by the lack of competency of the Kentucky Board of Pharmacy because I had to call them 3 times.  

Who is accountable?  Who do I go to for answers?  Why am I having to deal with bureaucratic bullshit to buy sudafed?

Seriously, should it be this hard to find out why I am being denied much less to buy this stuff? 

Am I going to be hanging outside of drug stores trying to find people to by me sudafed, next to all the underage kids trying to get adults to buy them alcohol?

I am still waiting for the Drug Control Policy lady to call me back because she needed to call the people at MethCheck to find out why I am being denied.

If we could only make illegally entering our country this hard.

Monty

One of my passions for years has been the enjoyment of Bruce Springsteen's music and going to concerts. I've been to so many, I stopped counting after I made it to three digits. I couldn't guess the number of wonderful people and friends I've met over the last several years.

This past weekend our community lost a wonderful friend named Monty. Monty was one of the early posters I first read on the old Backstreets digest right after I discovered the internet. He had an extensive collection of live material and was the one who orchestrated a couple of the famous tape trees in day before bit torrent - ThunderTracks being the most famous collection.

I had only known Monty through email and digests from our shared passion for Springsteen's music. I never had the privilege to meet him personally as our show schedules never crossed, but I did occasionally trade tapes with him years ago (I still have the tapes and can easily identify them because of the well done tape covers he made for the cassette holder) and did have a couple of correspondences off digest that had nothing to do with Springsteen or mountain climbing.

He had unparalleled enthusiasm for Bruce's music that he shared with the group going back before I ever joined the now defunct Backstreets mailing list 17 years ago.

He was a world class mountain climber. I was inspired by his attempt to summit Mt. Everest. We would get occasional updates on new adventures including his role with rescuing stranded climbers in the Pacific Northwest.

He offered himself to many public causes. He served on the boards of the local library, credit union, and local parks. When folks were lost on local mountains (Mt Hood, Mt St. Helens), he was the "go to guy" to organize a rescue.

The internet is a wondrous tool for bringing someone like Monty into the lives of our group. Reading his thoughts and opinions over the years really gives one a feeling of having actually known him on some level.

Our group has been talking about him this week, sharing our thoughts and in the sadness of his death. Several of the folks had met him before and I wish I had had that opportunity.

We are an amazingly close community as Springsteen fans. As Dave commented so eloquently, it's an emptier world without him.

Description and phrases used in this blog entry were borrowed from Leo and Dave.

News from around Fern Creek

It was an exciting week this week in Fern Creek.

***

I received news this week from Uncle Dewaine that he has taken over the publishing and editorials of Buzzardbait, Kentucky's newspaper, The Curious Urinal.  Looks like that 8th grade diploma has taken him to new heights.  Dewaine was really excited because it moves him into the top ten celebrities in Buzzardbait for the first time.  He sits behind other notables as Mayor Ted Sizemore and Haggerty's bleeding scarecrow.  Dewaine hopes to use his new status to spread awareness of Pink Eye.

***

In Fern Creek, local mail room worker Happy Johnson was truly disappointed upon learning that the new claims examiner at Floyds Fork Insurance was not actually a redhead.

"When I first saw her, she looked really cute," he said, "but once I found out it was really brown, she looked a lot less cute."

Amanda Dearborn-Graves was also overheard in conversation with Happy, "She doesn't have red hair? Really?"

The news has shaken the various employees in Grigsby's Business buiding on Bardstown Road. Dr. Robert Johnson has stopped saying "Good Morning" to her once he realized she had brown hair. "With brown hair, she looks just like every other woman in the city."

***

Southbound Bardstown Road has reopened South of Seatonville Road. It was closed earlier this morning when a bull broke loose from a local farm and tried to mount a 1976 VW bug. When the passenger emerged from the bug, the bull thought it was a calf and then tried to kill it.

***

Here's this week's church bulletin from St. Sorrows Catholic church.

On Saturday, Andrea Johnson was baptized and brought into our church.

On Sunday, Ezra Johnson passed away. Viewing is on Monday and his burial is to be held on Tuesday. His soul will enter Heaven on Friday provided his family pays the stipend to the church to forgive his various sins.

Father O'Malley will be interviewing new alter boys for Sunday Mass on Friday when the protection order expires.

The Cub Scouts are having a newspaper drive. Money will be use to help cripple children.

Lasagna story #2

As an adult it was sometimes very difficult to talk with the kids on the phone. Madison and Calvin both had a habit after about two minutes of asking me the same question over and over.

"What are you doing?"

My humor fell on the wrong set of ears when I'd reply, "Talking to you!"

After having gotten in on an early Saturday night and knowing they were in town with Grandma, I called home and spoke with Madison to see how she was. No less than 45 seconds into the conversation that same question once came up.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

This time I thought I'd tell her what I was planning for the next day.

"Well, tomorrow I am going to watch the Kentucky/Florida basketball game. Do you remember ever watching basketball with grandpa?" It was the senior game for the Wildcats and fans would be saying good-bye to four seniors, so I made it the centerpiece of the weekend.

"Yes," she answered.

"Then after the game, a friend of mine is coming over to teach me how to make lasagna."

Madison replied in a condescending tone with some surprise in her voice, "You don't know how to make lasagna?" I was a little taken aback. Did she just assume that everyone knows how to make lasagna?

"Well, do you know how to make lasagna?" I shot back.

Her next comment left me momentarily perplexed.

"Did you forget that I am only five?"

"No, what are you ..." And then I realized what she was doing. "Madison ... are you making fun of me?"

"Are you mocking me?" she asked in that same tone.

"Put your mom back on the phone."

Sis got on the phone and I told her the story of what happened.

"You don't know how to make lasagna?" she asked me.

What is wrong with America?

I have figured out what is wrong with the world today, or more specifically, the US. It’s not politics, it's not the economy, it's not racism and it's not too much violence.

The problem is that when it's May and its 48 degrees outside with rain falling, you can't buy a coat.

We’ve all heard the boring comedy routine of why women love to shop and men do not, but the plain simple truth is men do not want to go to four different stores in an hour to find a simple article of clothing. It is because we have to, that we hate shopping.

I last had a Spring coat three years ago. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t think I have ever bought a coat. I always got coats on my birthday (summer) or at Christmas. Several years ago, after getting a coat every year for about five years, I actually asked my mom to stop buying them because I had too many. When I moved 12 days ago, I still had a Winter coat (with a badly torn pocket thanks to a door at Gerlach Hall snagging it) that I left behind in Kentucky while I wrap up my project in Ohio.

I spent my lunch today going to stores trying to find a Spring coat while all the stores insisted on selling summer clothes when it’s 48 degrees out and raining.

Wal-Mart was a complete bust, but I could buy swimming trunks, but this was not surprising. You can’t even find gloves or boots in Wal-Mart in February... in Ohio … with 33 inches of snow on the ground.

The workers at Target thought I was crazy. "It's summer," they insisted.

"It's 45 degrees outside! It's not summer." Summer as I knew it growing up was June, July and August. This new arrangement of May not being in the Spring must've been snuck in with the new math where two plus two equals five for large values of two.

I asked them where I could go to find a coat and they directed me to Old Navy or Dick’s Sporting Goods.

I was so desperate I entered an Old Navy store hoping to find one. I dislike Old Navy because, as a man, I cannot tell if I am in the men’s section or the women’s section. The girl walked over seeing I was completely lost and I blurted out, “I need help,” before she could even offer to help me. She went into the back room and found the only coat they had. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen.

I could have bought gender neutral flip flops and Bermuda shorts if I wanted too. Why do people keep Old Navy in business? Seriously?

My kingdom for a windbreaker!

Thankfully, a friend directed me to Buckeye Corner where I bought and OSU jacket. As an added bonus, it was 30% off. Apparently they are trying to make room for the summer fashions.

I told the girl my story and she was just as dumbfounded as well. She told me she tried to buy sweatpants at Target last week and was told they are not in season. When do sweatpants go “out of season?”

I got back and told of Scott of my aggravating adventure, henceforth known as CoatQuest 2010. Scott felt my pain, but in a worse way. He and Libby try to buy Winter clothes for kids that may outgrow them before Winter arrives. And once Winter is here, no one is selling Winter clothes.

I expect one day the clothes lead will lap itself a couple times and people will be heard to say in Spring 2016, “Those clothes are so Summer 2017 because the Fall 2018 clothes are on sale now!”