Seriously. How bad is a movie when this is the funniest line?
So my weekend arrives and I ran over to my mom's house after going into work to wrap a couple items up on Saturday morning.
Within two minutes, she walks out with five Christmas presents. I forgot that I had seen her during the holiday multiple times, but none of those were at the house where I would have my presents.
I shook the first box and guessed a shirt.
As I opened it, I saw it was a USPS Two Day Priority shipping box.
"Mom? What are you doing? You can't use these for gifts. That's illegal."
"But they were the perfect size for wrapping gifts."
"Mom. It's a felony or something."
"What? Are you gonna turn me in?"
"Oh my God." It was ridiculous to argue. The damage was done.
I opened the box and I got socks.
I open the second box and it is also a USPS Two Day Priority shipping box.
"Seriously?" I ask. "This is a crime or something."
"They don't know I have them."
Of course my typing this story up makes it visible for them, I guess.
"They will have your face on the wall up there if they catch you."
"They should've taken my photo while I was there because I am not going back." She was getting defiant. I see where my niece Avery gets it from.
The gift was a flannel shirt.
"You have to make a promise though," she said. "For you to have this shirt, you have to throw out one of you old ones."
"No. I just wear the old ones around the apartment."
"They're gross and ratty," she insisted.
"I only have one left."
"It has to go."
She thought I still had one in a photo I have on Facebook when my now 16 year old nephew was born. I got rid of it a year or so ago.
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| Bryon and Calvin, 11/21/96 |
That was one of my favorite shirts for years. I did not so much as throw it out as it seems to have disintegrated. I think it was officially gone after I vacuumed up the flannel molecules and changed my furnace filter.
I opened up the third gift and once again was another USPS box with another flannel shirt in it.
She slid the fourth box over and told me it was from dad. It had different dimensions that the other three boxes.
I open it and it's ANOTHER USPS box.
"I knew I should've stopped you with those ramekins. It was a gateway crime."
I open it up and it was a black sweatshirt and sweatpants.
"Oh," she said.
"What?"
"That's not what I was expecting. Your dad asked me, 'Do you think Bryon would wear a white sweat suit?' I told him, 'No, he take it back because he will say it makes him look like a fucking snowman.'"
The fifth gift came in it's own box, so no crimes were committed in wrapping it.
I did check and according to the USPS website:
The terms of Agreement for the use of United States Postal Service shipping supplies is as follows: I understand that Express Mail service, Priority Mail service, Global Express Guaranteed, Express Mail International and Priority Mail International packaging is the property of the United States Postal Service and is provided solely for sending Express Mail, Priority Mail, Global Express Guaranteed, Express Mail International and Priority Mail International. Misuse may be a violation of federal law.
I guess there is some wiggle room on "may be a violation?"
May be it's not?
